here now. Sorry, but you can’t just see our conversations and not participate in them
1:43 PM
Samira Lee
Yeah, that’s weird.
1:45 PM
Amy Chen
bye
1:48 PM
Nash
Tues, Dec 31, 11:01 AM
So. 3 weeks. Have I been officially ghosted? Elle says you’ve been weird for MONTHS. But … we haven’t been weird. I don’t think. I honestly don’t know anything right now. What the hell?
Thurs, Jan 2, 2:13 PM
I hope everything’s okay. I really wish you would’ve just talked to me if it wasn’t. It sounds so stupid now—but I thought we had something real. I guess we don’t.
Bye, Kels.
SEVENTEEN
Fireflies and You fandom is the definition of extra.
It’s ten-thirty p.m., and the line for the midnight premiere nearly wraps around the building. It’s mostly tweens and teens, all dressed in F&Y swag from the official Alanna LaForest Shoppe. Some even have brought the book with them and are rereading it in line. It’s a sea of book covers—both the original and movie tie-in editions—everyone counting down the moments until their favorite book comes to life.
All the tension on Book Twitter? In this moment, it doesn’t exist.
“I hate you,” Autumn says.
Okay. So much for no tension. Her voice is muffled because she has a thick purple scarf wrapped around her face. It’s January in Connecticut, meaning waiting for anything outside should be illegal. We’re all huddled together like a cluster of penguins, trying to steal each other’s body heat.
“I keep my double pinky swears,” Molly says. “Autumn and I were obsessed with Fireflies and You when it first came out.”
“Obsessed is a strong word,” Autumn says.
“Obsessed,” Molly reiterates. “It’s kind of the reason we’re best friends.”
“I’d prefer not to give Alanna LaForest credit for our friendship, k thanks.” Autumn shivers. “She doesn’t even want us here. Every opportunity she has, she says that her books aren’t for us—that this movie shouldn’t be for us.”
“Can’t you just, like, separate the art from the artist?” Molly asks. “And remember the good times? This means something to me.”
“Me too,” I whisper.
Autumn looks at me and her expression softens, then she turns back to Molly. “Halle gets a Grief Pass. You don’t. Alanna acts like her teen fans are less than. Look around. Look who’s here and who she’s profiting from. Doesn’t that piss you off?”
“Yet here we are,” Sawyer says, as the line inches forward.
“It sucks,” Nash says.
“Tell that to your girlfriend,” Autumn says.
Nash takes a step backward as if the wind has been knocked out of him.
I bury my face in my scarf.
“Autumn,” Molly says, her voice low.
Autumn crosses her arms over her chest. “What? Kels has a platform to call out Alanna, but instead chooses to post Twitter chats and fifteen feelings about fireflies and you, in memes, or whatever. I don’t know if she’s afraid to speak out because Alanna’s fandom is ruthless—or if she’s still very much a part of the ruthless fandom and doesn’t want to alienate the critics. Either way, she’s playing both sides like we’re too stupid to notice.”
Oh my God—Autumn reads OTP?
Nash opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. “Maybe Kels doesn’t know what to say.”
I don’t.
“That’s not an excuse,” Autumn says. “Kels’s silence? It’s so loud. She’s a total coward, Nash! Like, she can’t not have an opinion.”
“Autumn.” Molly’s voice lowers. “I think we can all agree that Alanna is gross. But she’s not even affiliated with the movie so—”
“So what?” Autumn cuts Molly off. “You know what? I’m not giving my money to this movie, to her, especially not when there’s a new Barry Jenkins film that deserves support playing across town.” She picks her backpack filled with contraband snacks off the ground, tosses it over her shoulder, and marches toward the parking lot.
Molly chases Autumn and Sawyer follows Molly and somehow, only Nash and I are left in line.
“I get why you want to see this movie,” Nash says. “I do too.”
Do I want to see this movie? For the first time, I let myself think about this—what I think, without all the contributing factors and interests. Even without Grams.
Do I want to see it?
Not really. It hits me all once. Alanna has had every opportunity to apologize to the teens she has hurt. She has not. Alanna brushed off my cupcakes in an interview like it didn’t matter. I didn’t let it hurt until Autumn called out a truth that’s so painfully obvious, even Grams would agree. This is just wrong. This whole time I let myself be caught in the middle, believing I didn’t