at this hour, who was it? She glanced at the red digital clock display on the television. It was four in the morning. She listened to the change in tone, no longer the sharp, tinny sound of hotel reception, but a silence that was softer, further away. Kate could make out the faint sound of irregular breathing.
‘Hello?’ she ventured, sharper than was usual. The silence unnerved her.
‘Mummy?’
‘Oh!’ The breath caught in her throat. Kate sat upright and shook her head to clear the doubt. Had she heard correctly?
‘Mum, are you there?’
It was the unmistakable, beautiful voice of her daughter.
‘Yes! Yes, Lydi, I’m here. I’m right here.’
She clutched the phone between her palms, pushing it hard against her ear and mouth, trying to get closer.
‘Is everything all right, darling?’ It was an odd question, given that they hadn’t spoken for five years, but Kate’s immediate concern was that there was an emergency.
‘Yes. I wanted to talk to you.’
‘I wanted to talk to you too. I’ve wanted to talk to you for so long…’
She heard Lydia swallow.
‘Thank you for the tickets and everything, Mum.’
Mum… Mum… Mum… Was there any word sweeter?
‘I really didn’t feel like I could come. I’m just not ready, not yet. I hope you understand.’
‘It’s okay, Lyds, it’s all okay. It is wonderful to hear your voice, so wonderful. I can’t tell you how much I miss you, every second of every day. I just wanted us to have time to talk.’
Kate wasn’t sure how much to suggest, how much to push.
‘Thing is, I’m a bit scared about seeing you, Mum.’
‘What are you scared of, darling?’
Kate’s eyes pooled with tears; the idea of her little girl being afraid of her in any capacity horrified her.
‘I’m not scared of you exactly. But I’m worried about seeing you and I’m just as worried about not seeing you. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do.’
‘That’s understandable, Lyds; there is no rule book for this. We have to find a way through it together. I can only say that by seeing each other we can sort out all the things that are scaring you. One by one we can go through them and figure them out together.’
She was throwing her daughter a rope and when Lydia caught it, Kate would pull her in and never let her go.
‘It’s kind of hard to explain, Mum. I’m worried that you might have changed, you might be really different now—’
‘I’m still your boring old Mum. It’s still me, Lyds, I promise.’
‘I’m also worried in case how I feel about you has changed. I’m worried that I might not love you the same any more.’
Kate was silent as tears slid down onto lips that mouthed a silent prayer: Please love me, please don’t stop loving me.
Lydia’s voice had dropped to little more than a whisper. ‘If I don’t see you, Mum, I can pretend. I pretend that you and Dad are away somewhere, you know, like when you both went to Rome and we boarded for a week? I make out things are all just as they were. But if I see you, I’ll know that’s not really true because Dad won’t be with you and you will be different…’
Kate could only nod, unable to speak.
‘And sometimes, Mum, I pretend that you are both dead, and that makes it easier somehow. I pretend that you were both killed in an accident and then I don’t have to think about you doing something so horrible to Dad or about the horrible things that Dad did to you. I don’t like to think about it, Mummy.’
Her voice broke off in breathless sobs. Kate ached with the need to put her arms around her little girl and give her comfort. I’m not dead. I’m here, Lydi, I’m right here waiting.
‘Lydi, Lydi. It’s okay. It will all be okay. I promise. We can work through anything. We can take our time and talk things through.’ She adopted the tone that she had once used to lull her little girl back to sleep after bad dreams.
‘I don’t know if it will be okay, Mum. The longer I don’t see you, the harder it is for me to imagine seeing you and so it feels easier not to, if that makes sense. I sometimes wonder if it’s better just to say goodbye and only think about how we used to be, when we were happy – well, not you, but the rest of us. I thought we were a happy family,