all consuming. Now it was time for quiet reflection, time to catch the many breaths that had stuck in their throats since the day Tanya took her life.
Kate replayed the funeral in her head, as if by making it familiar she could dispel some of the horror. Dark, thumping organ music had reverberated through Penmarin’s small church as she and Natasha arrived – much too sombre a piece for a young girl like Tanya, Kate thought; it should have been something light and ethereal.
The pews were packed. Janeece and husband Nick were already in situ and Kate recognised people that she was on nodding terms with from the pub, as well as various local shopkeepers and suppliers to Prospect House. The back rows were taken with a few of Tanya’s friends and acquaintances from London. At least one of them could have been the ex-boyfriend, a curly-haired youth with deep blue eyes. Kate smiled at him, trying to make him feel comfortable in this alien environment on the saddest of days. She was glad for Tanya that they had made the journey, which was neither cheap nor convenient without a car. The boy smiled back awkwardly in her direction, thrusting his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket, the only black thing in his wardrobe. He continued to glance furtively at Kate – how much did she know? Enough to know that a sweet girl had taken the rap for him and had deserved better.
Tanya’s mother had declined to attend, saying it was ‘best that she didn’t’. Best for whom? Kate wondered. Ironically the woman was probably right, as neither she nor Natasha could have guaranteed civility, and that was a battle they were too weary to undertake.
Rodney had paid for the whole funeral, his way of apologising, no doubt. It was too little too late as far as Kate was concerned. What was it he had said? ‘Where Tanya is concerned, my curiosity is more than satisfied.’ The bastard.
There were many ‘if onlys’ bouncing from the Norman joists. Rodney thinking if only he had walked the beach early enough to catch her in the act. Natasha wishing that she had pushed Tanya a bit harder in her art classes. She had already identified her as extremely vulnerable; if only she had delved deep enough to uncover Tanya’s plan and prevent it.
Tanya’s body hadn’t yet been recovered. That was a good thing, Kate thought, allowing them all to remember her freckled form and ready smile. The bodyless coffin stood on its trestle at the front of the church.
Kate thought about the day of Tanya’s arrival in Penmarin.
‘I have been reliably informed that if you swam as far as you could, the first country you would hit would be Canada.’
‘Canada near America? You’re shitting me?’
‘No, it’s true – if you swam until you hit a beach, you’d probably be handed a towel by a Mountie! Imagine that.’
‘I can’t swim.’
‘Would you like to learn?’
‘No.’
Tanya’s answer had been loud and emphatic.
She thought about the last few days prior to Tanya’s death. Had she taken her eye off the ball? Been too hard on her? She should have handled things differently, offered support and understanding instead of reprimand. What wouldn’t Kate give to have Tanya here now, high as a kite, but still here…
She looked up at the open-armed, smiling saints that filtered the sunlight through the stained glass windows, allowing it to fall in shades of green and teal across the congregation. Some of the words from Tanya’s final letter played over and over in Kate’s head:
I’ve always messed everything up, Kate, and I’m sorry that I let you down as well. Carry on without me. The world won’t miss Tanya Wilson – who was she anyway?
Kate whispered into the ether as the congregation mumbled in familiar prayer.
‘I will miss you Tanya Wilson, I will miss you always.’
Kate shook her head to clear the image. She wished she could stop thinking about the funeral. She wanted to remember Tanya with her flame-red hair and air of mischief, not this sad occasion that summed up their biggest failure. Maybe in time…
Her words cut through the silence and were unexpected.
‘I’m closing Prospect House, Tash. I don’t want to be here any more.’
Natasha was silent for a full minute.
‘I think it’s too soon for you to make a decision like that, Kate. You need time to let your thoughts settle. See how you feel when things are more back to normal.’