my streak of poor decisions with my therapist. I couldn’t stop the hysterical laughter that bubbled up in my throat.
“What is wrong with this one? Did you bring me something spoiled to feed on?” Granny asked.
“No, I swear she was just fine,” he answered.
I’m not sure if it was the wine or my ego, but I didn’t like the implication that there was something wrong with me, and felt like I had to defend my honor. In between giggles, I blurted out, “I’m not spoiled. I’m super tasty. You’ll probably even catch a buzz.”
Baiting a crazy person was probably not the smartest thing. They were going to chop me up and turn me into the special of the day now. Of all the ways I could go, being eaten was definitely not one that had crossed my mind.
In the blink of an eye, Granny was standing inches from my face, and John Doe wrenched my head to the side, exposing my neck. Oh God, they weren’t even going to cook me, she’s just going to take a chunk out of me right here in the alley. I’m going to die behind a three-star family-friendly Italian restaurant that Yelp reviewers described as mediocre.
Didn’t this happen in Florida once? Was Granny sniffing bath salts?!
“Stay away!” I yelled. Granny backed up a bit and rolled her eyes. I fought against John Doe, but he was ridiculously strong. It was like fighting off unmovable steel. I kicked at her, aiming the heel of my stiletto at her stomach and giving Granny a healthy view up my mini dress.
“She’s not wearing underwear, Lawrence. What is wrong with women these days?” she asked, her wrinkled face curled in disgust. “Back in my day, women had more self-respect.”
“Back in your day, dinosaurs still roamed the earth, and men spent their free time painting pictures on cave walls,” I shouted while kicking again. My dress had almost completely rolled up. Apparently, seeing my vagina had stunned the old woman. This could work. And hey, now I had a name for the cute-but-psycho waiter. I kicked once more, flashing her my poon by way of distracting her. “You got me a crazy one!” Granny complained again before stepping closer to me. “You know the crazy one’s taste gross. And she’s too drunk to properly glamour. She’ll remember glimpses.”
“I’m sorry, Grandma. She was alone and the best option I could find. I glamoured my boss, but it’s only a matter of time before he comes looking for me. I’m still a fairly new fledgling, and you need to feed.”
Glamoured? Was he playing Fergie for everyone or some shit?
“I had a date tonight,” I answered, stalling. “He’s going to come looking for me. Joseph Sloth will murder you all!” Maybe if I screamed...would anyone hear me?
“Your date is somewhere massaging the poop out of his mother,” Lawrence drawled in a bored tone. “Hurry up. I’m done wasting time.”
“Fine,” Granny snapped. “Whatever. I’m too hungry to complain. Knock her out so I can get this over with. Don’t want to accidentally turn the bitch.”
“No!” I screamed, my voice blasting against my throat. She closed in on me. Lawrence grabbed my neck. I breathed in the smell of alleyway and old lady perfume. What a shitty way to die.
I squeezed my eyes shut and waited for pain that never came. I slowly opened my eyes and saw the soft gray of my bedroom walls. I was in my bed, under my cozy down comforter.
What the fuck?
Drew
I wore my Coach sunglasses and eyed the full glass of champagne in front of me. Was this what getting old felt like? I hadn’t drunk that much last night. Had I? My head was pounding, and the morning sunshine made me want to hibernate. My bones ached. My neck was bruised and sore.
I had no idea what the hell happened to me the night before.
My friends, Yasmin and Ryan, were late for our weekly Saturday brunch, so I bitterly sat at the table while massaging my temples. What the fuck happened last night? Was I drugged? I spent all morning trying to piece together my night, but I couldn’t.
I wore soft yoga pants and a crop top, but the fabric was too hot, too itchy. I felt like that one time I tried running a marathon to impress the male model I was fucking. I puked up my dinner from the night before on the last mile, my nipples bled, and my poor body felt like it