The Weight of the Stars - K. Ancrum Page 0,60

like church.

Passing Mars’s orbit wasn’t interesting at all, it was exactly how you imagine it to be and Mars was too far away to get anything good, but Jupiter? Man.

Sometimes I forget why I’m out here—you know, with all the waiting and the bickering that goes on all day. But just … wow.

Human eyes, human ears, right? That really is the point of it, and I guess I get why they sent us out here now.

Anyway, I hope you and the kid are all right.

Zhang and Fimi say hi.

Love you to the moon and back.

Effie

1,834 DAYS

[crackling]

Georgina died today.

Astrid … found her in the bathroom.

[sniffling]

Raleigh, I don’t know why I made this stupid fucking decision. I hate it here. I hate this ship and I hate these people and I hate how fucking dark it is and I totally get it. Georgina gave up and I fucking get it. It took me five years but I finally fucking figured it out.

You know why they sent a bunch of eighteen-year-old kids? Because we’re still so stupid, no matter how smart we think we are, we’re still dumb as hell and we don’t understand things like how long the rest of your life can be. Our brains haven’t developed enough to comprehend the magnitude of something like that and they let us … sign our lives away just like that.

We don’t know what it means to be facing the void with a wall at our backs, we don’t know the meaning of words like permanent and forever—we think we do but we don’t, we don’t know, Raleigh, we don’t know!

[crying]

I haven’t heard the sound of my mom’s voice in years and I can’t remember what she sounds like anymore, Raleigh. And from the silence from you I can tell that we’ve passed the limit from where I can receive your transmissions and I feel like I’m starving. Sometimes the silence is as loud as noise and there’s nowhere I can go to run from it.

This is all I have and there’s only one way to leave and Georgie fuckin’ found it. And God, I would never—you know I would never—but I’m so … angry that she—that any of us are even in this position. You can’t fucking ask a kid to do something like this and flash things like glory and adventure in her face until she can’t see anything but shining lights. It’s not fair. It’s a trap, and they fucking knew this from the beginning.

I mean. All this … it’s just rocks! It’s just rocks floating around!

I gave up my family for rocks and ice and the sound of fucking beeping all night long for the rest of my life.

Sending all this shit, all this data back to people who get to go home and raise their own kids and actually live instead of just watching …

Because that’s what I’m doing.

I’m not living out here, Raleigh, I’m just out here.

3,850 DAYS

Hey, Raleigh,

It’s been a while. I just … wanted to let you know that I’m okay. I’m sorry I didn’t send anything for a while, I was just working through some things …

Zhang and Maritza got married about a month ago. It was real nice. Everyone was there and Zhang didn’t even chew me out over teasing her about calling it years back. It was just really nice to see something new and to see people being happy. You would have cried seeing her face—we all did. Things on the ship seem … different now. Better.

I’ve been thinking about you and the kid a lot lately.

I know I’m not the best, but I want to try to … you know, to give her a chance to know me if she wants. I don’t know if you play these recordings to her or anything, but I want to talk to her if you can manage it. She must be what, nine? Ten by now?

I want to give her advice and read her stories and sing to her. I want her to know that I still love her. I don’t ever want her to question that. Or look up at the sky and think I’m not looking back at her.

Now, I don’t know if you married or … if you found someone to love you the way you’re meant to be loved. And don’t for a second think I’m holding you back from that. But you and the kid are it for me.

Raleigh Macallough, you’re the love of my life, and I mean