The old days seemed light-years away now to both of them.
They were buying groceries in one of the Chinese markets several weeks later, with all the pungent smells of Chinese spices, and ducks hanging by their feet above them, when Alex saw Eleanor go pale, and look suddenly ill. She seemed as though she was about to faint.
“Are you all right?” He was instantly worried and she recovered quickly and said she was fine. “What happened?”
“I don’t know, I looked up and saw all those dead ducks dangling above me and it made me feel sick.”
“You’re pregnant,” he pronounced immediately.
“No, I’m not, don’t be silly.”
“Yes, you are, it was the weekend in Tahoe,” he said with a mischievous look and she laughed. “I don’t know why, but I had a feeling you’d get pregnant.”
“Why?” He had an uncanny sense of things sometimes, and even though he was in his forties now, there was still something boyish about him, and he was very handsome.
“It was a full moon, and I’m madly in love with you,” he said as they walked back to the apartment.
But it happened again a few days later, when she poured his morning coffee before they left for work, and he could see that she felt ill from the smell.
“You are pregnant, I know it,” he insisted. “Go to the doctor.”
“I’m not pregnant.” She didn’t want to believe she was and get her hopes up again for nothing. She had given up, or wanted to believe she had. It was just too disappointing when it didn’t work out.
“How do you know you’re not?”
“I just know,” she said quietly, refusing to believe it and have their hopes dashed again.
But he found her asleep a few days later when he came home from work. There were a stack of papers to correct next to her on the bed, and it was another sign. When she was first pregnant, she always slept a lot. After five pregnancies, he knew all the signs. He didn’t press her about it for another week or two, until she rushed away from the breakfast table and threw up. He was waiting outside the bathroom with a stern expression when she came out.
“Will you go to the doctor or do I have to drag you?”
“Let me think about that and I’ll get back to you,” she said with a weak grin, but she knew he was right. She just didn’t want to start the whole process again, of hoping, dreaming, and having her heart broken again halfway through the pregnancy. She’d rather pretend it wasn’t happening, and see where it went.
He kissed her when he left for work, and gave her the look he always did when she was pregnant, full of unspoken dreams they didn’t even dare voice anymore. She didn’t want to disappoint him again either.
For the next several weeks, he didn’t say anything, and she seemed to feel fine, although she slept more than usual. He could tell that her breasts were fuller than they had been, and it was almost Thanksgiving when he could feel the roundness of her belly as they lay in bed, and she still hadn’t been to the doctor yet. He couldn’t ignore it anymore, even though she wanted to.
“Are we just going to pretend it isn’t happening this time, or are you going to go to the doctor before you give birth here and I have to deliver the baby while you claim you’re not pregnant?” She smiled at him and then sighed.
“I just don’t want to get our hopes up again, and then have everything go wrong.” He nodded, and understood it, since the last one had been heartbreaking. They had come so close, and had been so sure it would be fine that time, and then the baby strangled on the cord a month before the due date. It had been devastating for both of them, and the baby had looked so beautiful and perfect when he was born. The memory of it was still too vivid for her, and it had been almost two years since it happened.
“I know this sounds crazy, given our history, but I have a weird feeling that everything will be fine this time,” Alex said quietly.
She didn’t answer him for a long time, and then she nodded.
“I don’t know why, but so do I.” She hadn’t felt that way before, except the last time, and then the baby had stopped moving, and she knew. “What if