to look him in the eye and I swallow as I do so. ‘Emma?’ I say, breezily. ‘What about her?’
‘Well, the thing is …’ He tails off, biting his thumbnail and gazing into the middle distance, back towards the zoo animals. I see the tall shape of the giraffe reaching up to take a mouthful of leaves from one of the trees. A plane flies past, with an advert hanging from the back of it, old-fashioned style. Bees are humming, and children are shrieking, and gravel is scrunching, and I’m waiting for him to say something, and then it all comes out in a jumble of words.
‘I don’t know if you know …’ He pushes a hand through his hair. ‘I don’t want it to be awkward.’
‘It’s fine,’ I say, airily. ‘I mean, I think everyone must have some idea, so it’s not going to be a major deal. And I’m sure you’ll be very happy. You make a nice couple.’ I think I’ve done quite a good job of that. Might be better to stop talking now, mind you. I press my lips together before any more words escape.
He runs a hand through his hair again, making it stand on end. I half want to laugh, but I also want to burst into tears and shout it’s not fair like a child and run away. I like him, and he likes me, and we get on and make each other laugh and I’ve never seen him and Emma laughing together, and why does it have to be the case that I’m always the—
‘We’re not together,’ he says firmly. ‘And I don’t want us to be. That’s the problem.’
‘Ohhh.’ I raise my eyebrows, trying to look sage, and knowledgeable, and definitely not relieved. I’m not sure how well I manage it.
‘Thing is, she mentioned something about me on the phone to a friend the other week and I – God I feel really awkward saying this. I’m not being a massive ego on legs. I just got the feeling that she’s wanting more than …’
He screws up his face and goes a bit pink in the cheeks, then bites his lip, waiting for me to say something.
‘Oh, but Emma’s lovely,’ I say, magnanimously. I can afford to be nice now. God, am I a bitch? I make a mental note to ask Gen and Sophie if they think I am.
‘She is. I don’t want to screw things up,’ Alex says.
‘God, no.’ I think of Albany Road and try to imagine someone else moving into Alex’s room. We’ve all become accustomed to each other, and anyway, I don’t want Alex moving anywhere. Not if his relationship with Emma’s definitely off the cards.
‘I’m sure it’ll be fine. Just explain to her you don’t want to be caught up in anything serious just now, or something like that.’
He looks serious then for a moment. ‘We had that conversation at the start. It was her idea, actually. Maybe I need to make sure she realises it now. I think it’s time to just knock it on the head.’
‘Yes,’ I say. We start strolling along beside the lake, watching the swans and the ducks swimming along, enjoying the sunshine.
Ooh, I think, maybe this means there’s a chance after all. Not now, of course. But this was already the start of a beautiful friendship … maybe it could lead to something more.
But then Alex drops the bombshell, and I remember that being a daydreaming romantic doesn’t mean the world’s going to fall into place just to suit me.
‘Thing is,’ Alex says, thoughtfully, ‘I’m just not ready to be in a relationship with anyone.’ He sighs. ‘Oh, I don’t know. I got a reminder email the other day about my upcoming wedding.’
I open my mouth and shut it again. I’m not sure what the correct response to that is.
I go with ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Oh, don’t be,’ he says, turning to look at me and smiling so his lovely crinkly eyes twinkle in a way that makes my knees go a bit funny. ‘I mean it was clearly not meant to be with me and Alice. She wanted the whole package. House, money, lawyer husband, kids …’
‘She could have had the almost-package,’ I point out.
‘Alice wasn’t really an almost sort of person. She’s a bit like your Sophie.’
‘Ah,’ I say. It all falls into place a bit then, and I think that maybe it’s time I got a grip and recognised that neither Alice nor Emma were anything like