mine. I still couldn’t make sense of how it had happened, how I’d ended up in this place with him.
From the moment I’d left Nikolai's apartment the night before, I'd been nothing more than a walking disaster. I hadn't been able to sleep so I’d tried doing some work from home. There’d been no hope of focusing enough to do that, so I'd attempted some of the other tricks that usually helped my brain snap out of its unique brand of crazy. But yoga and meditation had done nothing either and I’d ended up spending hours walking the length of my apartment trying to convince myself that I didn't care that Nikolai only saw me as a job. But by the time the sun had broken over the horizon, that little voice in my head had continued to make itself known.
He doesn't want you, Jude.
I'd been glad to see that Nikolai wasn't the one waiting outside my door when I’d left for work. It had been easier to try to get my mind back on track. But, of course, the distance hadn't given me the break I’d craved. I’d still been just as strung out by the time we’d reached my office building. Certain that work would be the thing that would get me back on track, I’d eagerly sat down at my desk after Andy had swept the office before leaving me alone. But the letters on the computer screen had been nothing but a jumbled mess and no amount of concentration had changed that. All it had done was make my head hurt.
It'd taken several hours before I’d finally managed to make any progress, but even that had been painfully slow. My thoughts had been consumed with Nikolai and how he and his family were doing. I’d kept waiting for the moment when Nikolai would walk through my office door. I'd eventually resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to get any legitimate work done, but that had all changed when I’d received the call from the seller saying they’d gotten another offer on the land that TDS was in final negotiations to purchase. The potential loss of my deal had shattered the last of my ability to hold on to my thoughts. I’d frantically tried to research how I’d been scooped so late in the process but I hadn’t been able to make sense of anything. The fear had turned to panic as I’d envisioned my entire career disintegrating.
As the day wore on, I’d lost track of time. I’d managed to push through my nearly crippling panic enough to work to save my deal but then suddenly Nikolai had been there.
I’d wanted to be relieved to see him but his presence had only made me feel like more of a failure. He, of course, had been clueless about why I’d been so angry. Deep down, I’d wanted to walk into his arms and beg him to tell me that everything would be okay. I’d wanted him to reassure me that I was smarter than I thought I was and I could pull the deal back together.
Then I’d remembered that I wasn’t allowed to confide in Nikolai or seek solace in his arms. He wasn’t being paid to give a shit about my problems. So I’d blown up at him instead. I’d thrown some truly ugly words his way and then, thankfully, he’d left me alone. But instead of getting back on track, I’d felt even more fractured and desperate. My entire life had begun to cave in around me and I hadn't known what to do.
What I had known was that I’d needed to escape to someplace where it didn’t matter who I was. Someplace where no one would know the truth about how fucked up I really was. Or even if they did, they most certainly wouldn’t care.
Club Four was supposed to have been my salvation. A dance or two with some faceless guy and a quick fuck in the bathroom and my mind was supposed to have gone back to normal. The brand of normal that everyone else took for granted but that I craved.
I’d tried so hard to forget that Nikolai was watching me. I’d silently begged and pleaded for the music to take me away, but it hadn't worked. There had been hands roaming over my body and strangers pressed up against me as they’d whispered suggestive things in my ear, but I hadn't heard or felt any of it. All