Wasted Lust - JA Huss Page 0,43
an official PhD candidate, and my advisor told me I wasn’t serious enough about my chosen field of study and needed to take a break to think about things.”
“Are you serious enough about your chosen field of study?”
Another sigh. “I guess not. Maybe you’re right and I’m just passing time? I don’t need money. Sometimes having more money than you need makes people try less. When you’re desperate, you act differently. You work faster, have more original ideas, take things more seriously. So she’s right. I don’t want it bad enough to give it a hundred and ten percent.”
“But you’re still upset about it? Even though you know she was right?”
Sasha nods, but takes a few moments to answer. “I really thought if I did this, life would be better.”
“Better than what?”
“Filled with satisfaction, maybe?” Her tired eyes look up at mine and I know this is the girl I’ve been waiting for. The one who feels. “I am unsatisfied. Like something is missing from my core. And maybe that’s Nick. Maybe that’s what I’m grasping at as I sit here with you turning into the bitch those people created. The child killer. The one who says fuck and threatens to kill people just because she can. It makes me feel ungrateful when I become that girl from my childhood. After all that struggle, I should feel like we won. I got a new family. I had a normal young adult life. I am very, very lucky. And I’m still left wanting more. I have everything I need. You know? I have everything required for happiness, yet it eludes me.”
“Then you don’t have it yet, Sasha. It’s not wrong to be sad for the things they took from you. And I’m sorry that I sprang this aunt thing on you like this. I didn’t know. You seemed so put together.”
“I’m not, though. Am I? And my reaction a few minutes ago just proves it. I’m as lost as I ever was.” She puts her fork down and places her napkin on the table. “Is there a restroom? I need a moment alone, if that’s OK.”
“Sure,” I say, standing up as she does. “In the back of the plane.”
She walks off and I have to force myself not to watch her as she does it. If she needs privacy, I can give her that. God knows, I’ve needed privacy before and no one gave me that courtesy. I’ve been an open book for so long I barely know what it’s like to be alone. The FBI has been watching me since I was fifteen, every move I made scrutinized. They didn’t want me. No one ever wanted me. But Max Barlow blew into my life and changed everything. His family has been with the FBI since its inception in 1908. And when Max Barlow says he wants his son to follow in his footsteps, people take note. Even if that son was adopted out of nowhere.
I suddenly had prospects. I had a future. And this is it. My future. So why do her words filled with want and longing stir me up as much as they did her?
“Essie?” I call.
“Yes, sir?” she answers, sliding the pocket doors open.
“Clear the table and bring us dessert and Tokay.”
“Right away, sir.”
Essie claps her hands and two more attendants appear from the front of the plane. Thirty seconds later the table is clear, there’s a plate of fresh strawberries, a candle flickering under a small fondue pot, a cannoli drizzled with chocolate, a classic banana split, and a plate of cookies.
“Jesus Christ, are you trying to get me fat?”
I stand up as Sasha walks back to her seat on the long side of the leather bench. I wish she was sitting at a real table so I could pull out her chair.
“I leave the room for two minutes and you’ve decorated the table with calories.”
“I don’t know what you like, so I got you a sample. And the Tokay wine is the best in the world, so please, try everything, Sasha.”
She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “Where do you get your money?” She looks up at me with wide eyes, almost as if she’s afraid to hear the answer.
“Where do you get yours?” I take a sip of my Tokay and then set my glass down.
“Did we get it the same way?”
I smile at her. For such a formidable woman, she possesses an innocence that I can’t help but find a