Wasted Lust - JA Huss Page 0,28

all directions settles next to my face and falls flat again.

I need a change. I need more out of this life than what I’ve been settling for and the only way to get more is to put myself out there.

So Jax.

Maybe he’s the first step?

I don’t have to like him to use him for practice. Won’t, in fact, like him. Ever. He’s not my type at all. Because behind that badge that screams up-and-up there’s a rule-breaker. I just know it. I’ve gone out of my way to avoid men like him. I’m a by-the-book kind of girl and he looks like a throw-the-book-away kind of guy.

Not my kind of guy.

Not after what happened two years ago.

But I don’t want to think about that right now. I can’t go back to that night when I was taken and held hostage. That experience changed me. Being held against my will was something I never want to repeat. Ever. And even though it could’ve been a whole lot worse than it was, even though I could’ve been raped instead of almost raped, and even though the only person who died in that event was the bad guy who deserved it—I still feel like Garrett is coming back. Like I’m waiting for him. Like he might be reanimated from the dead for the sole purpose of hurting me and the people I love.

I have issues, I admit, taking my makeup out of the drawer and laying it down on the table top before me, lining it up in order of use. I have trust issues. Love issues. Reality issues.

“Well, Sasha,” I say out loud. “This is your reality. You have no present and no future because you live in the past. And if you ruin your life because you’re stuck in the past, it’s your own damn fault for giving up.”

Those words startle me.

Have I given up? Is that why Professor Brown accused me of not being invested in the program?

Am I invested in the program?

I certainly don’t want to be an anthropologist. I guess she can see that I lack the enthusiasm for her field of study. And why should she keep me on if I’m not invested? I’m her legacy. All her grad students are her legacy. If I won’t go on to make a name for myself in her field, why should she invest in me now?

She was right to ask me to think about leaving. And maybe one day I’ll figure all this out. Maybe one day I’ll know what I want and how to get there without pretending to be someone I’m not. And maybe I will return to this university and finish what I started.

But I don’t think so.

I think being asked to reflect on my future was a warning shot in the chest that life is about to change. Some sort of catalyst that will propel me towards my true purpose.

Or maybe this rejection will send me spiraling down into a black abyss of self-loathing and discontent?

But if it does, it will be a hell of my own making. Because I have the means right now, tonight—this moment, actually—to start a new life. To find the answers I crave and get them from the man who left me ten years ago.

I need Nick. And maybe we’re not soulmates. Maybe that promise was empty and he always knew that. But if so, then why is he looking for me? Why seek me out after all these years?

I need Nick.

And my path to Nick—my path to my future—lies through Jax.

So I look at the line of cosmetics on my vanity and start my transformation. Concealer first. Then powder, eyeshadow, brows, liner, mascara, and finally lipstick. I put on the mask.

My reflection in the mirror is not me.

And that’s OK.

I’m tired of being me.

I get up and walk to the dress. I could wear my own dress. I have so many nice things in my closet. But why? Why be me when I can be her? The woman I always dreamed I’d turn into? Why not let Jax help me make this change tonight?

I slip the dress on, tame my hair with a brush, and then slide my feet into the shoes that came in the bag.

I’m done being Sasha Aston. She’s boring and sad. She’s scared and confused.

But Sasha Cherlin was none of those things. Sasha Cherlin was strong, and brave, and filled with life.

I want to live again.

When I’m ready I walk downstairs to the security room