heard the rumors—he, like many of the young men in the factory, was flirting with the underground. I had already watched one friend dragged away by the Gestapo, and should that happen again, I would make sure it happened to a stranger.
I did empathize with those who worked with the Resistance. I’d thought of it myself, but these were childish fantasies, and I knew I’d never act upon them. No resistance activity could save my family from what they were going through; in fact, connecting with the Resistance could only bring my family pain. Besides which, every time the subject came up, Samuel made me promise I would never get involved. I knew his determination to avoid the underground came not from a philosophical objection to resistance, but from a philosophical objection to facing our reality.
After all, if Samuel was right and sooner or later the Germans would correct the hellish existence they had forced us into, there was little point in risking our lives to fight them.
“I keep to myself at work,” I said abruptly. Baby Eleonora was beginning to wriggle, so I shifted her in my arms, lifting her higher and rocking gently, the way I had seen my mother do.
“Perhaps you could ask around,” my mother said. She gave me a slightly pleading look. “Something is coming, Roman. You know Mrs. Grobelny’s second cousin is on the Council, and she said that he hinted things are soon to change. I know that there is not much we can do to protect ourselves, but if we just knew what was coming...” She trailed off, and then she added weakly, “If only we knew what was coming, at least I could sleep at night. Even if it is bad, I’d rather know.”
Straightaway, Pigeon came to mind. My mother’s request was simple and one I really couldn’t decline.
3
Emilia
I never set out to be rebellious. I was curious, naturally, maybe a little stubborn...and I was definitely out of my depth in Warsaw, hundreds of miles away from the village I’d always called home.
But rebellious? No. That trait was not in my nature. If you’d asked me why I was rebelling, I might have given you a blank look, and I’m quite certain I’d have had no clue what you were referring to. My deception was innocent, as much as such a thing is possible. Every single aspect of my life had fallen out of my control, and at not-quite fourteen years old, I was somehow both wise beyond my years and emotionally stunted. Unable to process or to even understand my own confused feelings, I had begun to crave autonomy desperately enough that I was driven to seek even the illusion of it. I made dozens of small decisions each day, but I made each of them under the watchful eye of my adoptive parents, Truda and Mateusz—except for the decisions I made in the glorious hour between five thirty and six thirty each evening. That’s when I would leave Truda cooking our dinner, and I’d ostensibly walk down the flight of stairs to the lobby, where I would open a back door to access the little courtyard that only the residents of our building were allowed to use.
Truda didn’t like me to visit the courtyard at all, and she was adamant that I not go there during the day. It backed onto an alleyway that was a shortcut for people walking to the nearby market, and our apartment was only a few blocks from the walled Jewish district, so German soldiers sometimes wandered by. But by six o’clock the market was closed, and the foot traffic in the alleyway had slowed to a trickle. Truda and Mateusz were determined to keep me safe and had gone to extraordinary lengths to do so, but even Mateusz could see that I couldn’t live locked up inside of a third-floor apartment.
“It’s one thing to keep her safe,” Mateusz had said, “but surely our goal should be to keep her safe and sane. She needs at least a little time outside each day, and she really needs a taste of independence.”
And so it was decided that I could visit the courtyard every single evening. I was pleased with this, even after Mateusz pulled me aside to warn me that it was a privilege, not a right.
“You know how much is at stake, so be careful. Just enjoy the peace and quiet in the courtyard, don’t speak to anyone, and come straight back. Okay?”