This Is War, Baby - K Webster Page 0,39
they felt good. I had no control over my body and I hate myself for that.”
I take another step. Her sweet scent doesn’t poison me. It intoxicates me in a way that has my head spinning. I like her scent. I like the way it fills my lungs and cleanses me.
“That’s not your fault.”
She sniffles. “Then, he took my virginity. It hurt so much but then…”
“You liked it?”
A sob pierces the air. “I-I-I did. I betrayed my boyfriend because I liked when Gabe had his way with me. He was always clear about selling me. After he fucked me over and over again, I had in some way hoped he’d just keep me. That we could stay in that cabin and I’d make do.” She lets out a deep breath that fogs the window in front of her. I watch with a mix of horror and fascination as she draws a “B” with a heart around it on the foggy glass.
My mind begs to flip the fuck out but something stronger within me wants her to continue. And as the fog fades, the smudge of her letter remains barely noticeable. It adds warmth to my ridiculously cold space. I’m alarmed to learn I like it there. Trying not to obsess over her artwork, I urge her on. “Then what?”
“One day… he told me to run and when I did, he caught me. That night, in the cold forest, he violated me. Robbed me of another first.”
The growl in the room startles us both and she turns to look at me. I understand quickly, the protective growl belongs to me. Shit. I’d normally be flipping the fuck out talking about anal sex, despite how much I’d wondered about it as a teen, but right now, all I can think about is beating the fuck out of Gabe.
Her sad eyes meet mine and she takes a small step forward but doesn’t touch me. We’re a mere twenty-four inches apart. I haven’t been this close to someone out of my own volition since my high school girlfriend. For a few brief moments, in her broken presence, I feel like the strong one. I feel as though I’m normal.
“And the cucumber,” she hisses out bitterly and I cringe, “he used to penetrate my sex with while he drove into me from behind. ‘Oftentimes two men will want to take you at once. You have to be prepared,’ he said.”
My chest threatens to explode with fury. A single strand of her blonde hair has escaped her bun and my fingers twitch to stroke it away from her forehead. Not because it’s out of place but because I want to see her face better. I want to comfort her.
And I fucking can’t.
Fisting my hand, I snarl out my promise. “I would never hurt you like that. He sounds deranged, Bay.”
Tears well in her eyes and I lean in toward her. I want her presence invading me. Despite not touching, my flesh reacts to her close proximity. Goosebumps prickle my flesh. The hairs on my arms seem to lift and point toward her as if she carries some magnetic current that my body is attracted to.
Seventeen.
I swallow and look over her head toward the ocean. It’s beautiful, and one of the few things I won’t allow my mind to become obsessed with—pondering the many creatures and organisms that infest it.
Instead, I think about her.
My mother.
The way her dark hair would whip around her in the wind while I would chase the waves. She’d force me out of the water every so often to ruffle my hair and press a kiss to my forehead. Sometimes, she’d hand me a sandy cracker to munch on to keep my energy up so I could keep playing.
I won’t allow my mental disease to ruin those memories. They remain virgin against the dark cloak of hatred and despair that rages continuously in my head. Always threatening to do harm. But no matter how fucked up my head may be at a particular moment, I can always return to her and our days at the beach.
One of the few calms in this life.
And now…
Now I’ve found another one.
Gorgeous blue eyes are staring at me, glistening with tears, when I return my gaze back to her. She’s so beautiful, and for a moment, I could almost forget everything and kiss her.
Forget the germs.
The numbers.
The what-ifs.
The blood.
And bury myself in the pure distraction.
This time, reality, not my affliction, deters me and I force words from