The Vow - Debbie Howells Page 0,81
‘She told me how when you were planning your wedding, you were going to get married on a beach. You’d even picked the venue in the Caribbean. Jess said it was the wedding you’d dreamed of. You’d even emailed them and confirmed a date.’ She pauses, watching me. ‘Then after buying the dresses, Matt reminded you you’d discussed it and changed your plans. You were getting married here, but you’d obviously forgotten. He was kind, but firm. He’d already booked somewhere else. There was no way you were having the beach wedding you’d dreamed of.’
As she speaks, I feel my mouth fall open, then tears fill my eyes, only this time they’re tears of release pouring unchecked down my face, as a new feeling comes to me. Relief – that I’m not mad, that I didn’t imagine it. God, I remember that night so clearly. How thrilled I’d been to have found fairytale dresses for both Jess and me, picturing a wedding under the Caribbean sun at this gorgeous guesthouse I’d found. I was so sure that Matt had agreed, otherwise I’d never have bought those dresses, but in the end, when he disputed it so confidently, I’d believed him, just as I’d always believed everything he said to me. What PC Page described is exactly what happened, countless times. ‘He must have deleted the emails.’ I’m dumbfounded. ‘I knew I didn’t remember having that conversation. I was sure we were planning a beach wedding.’ I look at them both in disbelief. ‘He did that to me so many times. I can’t believe I didn’t see it.’
‘That’s how it works,’ Dana says quietly. ‘Nothing too aggressive to start with, just a subtle undermining, chipping away at your reality, until before long, you’re so under their spell, you believe everything they tell you, to the point you question your own sanity.’
I gasp in surprise at how accurately she describes it, because it’s exactly how it was. Even at the end, when Matt told me it was me who was controlling him. That he was was walking on eggshells, when in fact it was the reverse of what was happening. I knew he was wrong, but through sheer force of will, he’d convinced me he wasn’t.
Dana continues. ‘Very often, there’s an abusive background. It’s a means of avoiding emotional intimacy.’
Instinctively, I shake my head. ‘What if he was doing it intentionally? Trying to wear me down?’
‘That’s what we need to establish.’ PC Page’s voice is grim. ‘Because that’s what it’s starting to look like. And if he was, the next question has to be why.’
‘I have to ask you something.’ My voice is shaky, unsure how much I should tell them. ‘The woman Matt was seeing …’ I watch PC Page exchange glances with the psychologist. ‘Have you spoken to her?’
After a pause, PC Page nods. ‘We’ve interviewed her, yes.’
‘I imagine she will have said things about me. The way Matt could behave … he could have said anything he wanted to about me – true or false – if it served his purpose.’ I pause for a moment, looking at them. ‘You do realise that, don’t you?’
‘We do understand he was playing with you.’ Dana sounds reasonable. ‘Did you have any idea that there were other women?’
Leaning forward, I sigh, for the first time being completely honest – with the police, as well as with myself. ‘I suppose, once or twice I did have suspicions, but I told myself I was imagining it. I really couldn’t bring myself to believe that Matt would do something like that. When he was the same as he always was towards me, and with the wedding coming up, I was convinced I’d made a mistake.’
Dana’s quiet for a moment. ‘It must have been so hard for you. I think the fact that he managed to carry off this double life, shows the extent to which he’d been manipulating you.’
Leaning forward, I rest my head in my hands. ‘It sounds weak, but I couldn’t acknowledge that he was mistreating me. I kept asking myself, was it really so bad? No relationships are easy all the time but I thought he loved me. If I’d challenged him, it would have meant the end of our wedding, of the future we’d planned …’ My voice is uneven. ‘I’d been on my own for so long. When I met him, I was so happy … There was a lot that was good in our relationship and that’s what I