“After that, I hated what I was,” Junu said, his voice muffled. “I hated what I’d become. Because it had killed my family and it had forced me to survive without them.” Junu turned onto his back, staring up at the ceiling now. “You know, I’ve never had the need for a friend until I met you all. Until I met Miyoung. There’s something about that girl that makes me want to be better. She holds herself to such a high standard that it makes me worry that I’m not good enough to match her.”
Somin nodded even though he wasn’t looking at her. “Miyoung does have some pretty high standards for herself. But she doesn’t judge her friends as harshly. Trust me, she wouldn’t have fallen for Ahn Jihoon if she did.”
Junu shook his head, but there was a hint of a smile, and it soothed Somin’s heart to see it.
“But it’s not Miyoung who made me hope,” Junu said quietly. And Somin felt her heart start to race. She was anticipating his words even as she told herself not to care.
“I told myself I kept poking at you because it was fun. But in reality, I think I was hoping that maybe . . . maybe I could prove to you that I wasn’t what you assumed. That I was somehow . . . more. I don’t know.” Junu frowned, and it still looked beautiful on his perfect lips. She wanted to trace the lines of his face with her fingertips. She wanted to memorize the shape of him.
“I know I gave you a hard time when we first met. I know that you’re more than what I originally thought,” Somin said slowly.
“But I’m still not as good as you want me to be,” Junu said.
Somin hesitated at that because she didn’t know the answer. “I know that, no matter how much I want to, I can’t stop caring about you,” she said.
Junu turned onto his side so they were face-to-face, mere centimeters from each other. He reached out, let his fingers trail along her cheek. Tingles raced over her skin, made goose bumps rise on her arms. She didn’t dare move, didn’t dare blink. His fingers trailed down her neck, tracing along some invisible pattern. She tried to remember the path, tried to hold on to each sensation.
“Is it because you’re so little?” he whispered as he brought his palm back up to cup her cheek.
It would have annoyed her, but he watched her so intently.
“I think it’s because you’re so small that I can fit you in my heart.”
“Junu-ya,” Somin said, confusion overtaking her. She didn’t know what she wanted to say, but Junu shook his head.
“I’m tired. Let’s talk more later.”
Somin let him pull her close again so her head fit under his chin. It didn’t strike her as strange anymore, how perfectly they seemed to fit into each other. She just let his warmth comfort her as she hugged him close. His heart beat steady under her ear. And lying like that, she fell asleep.
46
MIYOUNG WASN’T AFRAID to dream now. She needed answers. She needed to do something. Yena had once told her to make a choice. Even if it was a bad choice, at least she wouldn’t be sitting around waiting for solutions to come to her.
She needed to find a way to help Jihoon. To help Junu. To help herself.
“Mother,” she called into the mist. Whenever she dreamed now, the forest was covered in fog. Like a veil pulled over her vision. Was this a bad omen?
“Mother, where are you?” Miyoung called.
“I don’t know where I am. I’m lost,” Yena’s disembodied voice replied.
“I need to find you. I need my bead back. We need to close this tear between the worlds.”
“Without the bead, I can no longer watch over you. My poor, wretched child.”
“I know,” Miyoung said, her voice not as strong now. “But I can’t be selfish. I can’t hold on to you while so many others are suffering.”
“Why care about them now? I taught you better than that.”
“But you also said that you have regrets. Don’t you regret closing yourself off from people? I don’t want to have those same regrets.”
“Then why close yourself off to me?” Yena asked. “When I am the only one who loves you.”
“That’s not true,” Miyoung said, her voice shaking.
“Perhaps it’s not,” Yena mused, her voice sifting through the mist that had become so cold Miyoung shivered. “But loving you is dangerous.