Vicious Circles - By Leann Andrews Page 0,71

toward the entrance. The valet sped off in his car and it was a damn good thing. Sitting across the patio was Dave and Mason. Dave and I had noticed one another almost immediately but Mason had yet to see me. Chris was oblivious and headed into the restaurant.

The sun was shining on his hair, which he’d cut since I’d seen him last. It felt like my chest was caving in on itself and I wondered if I was really strong enough. I wanted to run away.

Dave, being the super polite guy I knew him to be stood and walked over right away. He grabbed me and pulled me to him before I could object. When he let go, my eyes met Mason’s and the world stopped. There was no question at all…I was not over him. I expected the tears to start but instead rage balled up in my stomach. Chris reappeared from God knows where just as I stalked across the small patio and right up to Mason.

“What happened to you?” I asked in the nicest voice I could muster. I didn’t want to be angry, but I was.

“I…” He faltered and was at a loss for what to say. It was clear that he was shocked to see me. He did the thing where he opened and closed his mouth a few times. “It was just better this way.”

I took a deep breath and pushed him backwards with all the strength I had. He stumbled backwards and caught himself on the railing that surrounded the small patio. Chris and Dave had moved forward in a half assed attempt to stop me, but I suspect they were only keeping up appearance.

“You left me when I needed you the most. You left me. I laid in a hospital bed for days waiting for you. I cried myself fucking silly for months over you.”

“Fallyn, I-“

“No,” I said pointing an index finger at him. “You don’t get to talk, it’s my turn. I loved you…I love you.”

“Maybe we should go,” Chris stated before grabbing me by the elbow.

Mason glared at him. “Let her talk.”

I shook out of Chris’s grip. “You don’t bail on the people you love, Mason. You stand beside them and help shoulder whatever it is they’re going through.”

He flexed his hands in and out of a fist. “Don’t you think I wanted to stay? I fucking wanted to be there but I couldn’t.”

I looked at him in disbelief and realized I was getting nowhere with him. “Well, have a nice life Mason.” I turned and pushed through that wall that was Dave and Chris. I ignored the small audience that had gathered and exited the restaurant.

There was a searing pain in my chest but the adrenaline that was coursing through my body was keeping the hurt at bay. I wanted to curl into a ball and cry until I passed out. I wanted to down pills with Vodka and sleep until the memory of his face was erased from my mind. I half ran down the sidewalk not caring about anyone or anything. I could hear Chris coming up the concrete behind me so I crossed the road and started walking in the opposite side. He gave up his pursuit when I hailed a cab.

I kept replaying the scene over and over in my mind. He looked so good and I was pissed because he looked better than I’d ever seen him look. Maybe he was better off without me after all. The thought made me sick and more than ever I wanted to make it all go away. It would only take me ten minutes to find Tony and buy something off of him to make me happy again.

When the taxi dropped me off, I threw him some cash and ran into my house. I dropped all of my shit on the floor by the front door.

“Deep breaths. Deep breaths.” I chanted the words over and over to myself.

My skin was on fire and I could feel sweat forming on my face as I made my way into the master bathroom. I splashed some water on my face. When that didn’t help, I turned the shower on and got in, clothes and all.

***

July 2010

Life had been much harder since getting clean. I expected it to be vastly different, but I didn’t expect everything to be twice as hard as before. I had to work extra hard on my lines and keeping up with normal things sometimes proved