A Very Highland Holiday - Kathryn Le Veque Page 0,16
fears and hopes and insecurities. I take that trust very seriously.
James, I know I have not been the easiest man to know. I can be aloof. I can be quick to temper. I was always jealous of you and the freedom you had, unencumbered with the de Lohr expectations as I was. You were young and brilliant and your laughter… James, I can still hear it. Your laughter is so easy. I don’t know how you do it and I always envied it so. But you are also annoying and insufferable at times and sometimes I want to kick you squarely in the fart hole.
Still, you are my brother and I love you.
I know I never told you that, but I do. I always have. Tomorrow, we are facing six thousand rabid Scots and their allies and although we are better armed and better prepared, there is still a chance I will not make it out of this alive. If I do not, I want you to know that it has been a privilege being your brother. I could not have asked for a greater honor. You will be standing beside me tomorrow as I fight the enemy and if I should fall, know that you will be among my final thoughts.
James, I have always adored you and reproach myself most stringently for never telling you so. But I know that my death will be quite devastating to you and as the reverend prayed for the regiment tonight, I prayed that God would send a guardian angel to watch over you after I am gone. I suppose that I was your guardian angel while on earth, but after I am gone, I pray another will take my place.
Do not grieve overly for me. Do not let Mother grieve overly. Take care of her and of yourself, and I wish you joy and happiness all your life. You are my brother, James, and most worthy of the de Lohr name. I have no final wish or instructions except for one – there are many brave men who will fight tomorrow and I consider it an honor to serve with them. Bring my body home, if it is possible, but leave something of me with my men in the place we have fallen. Not everyone will have the opportunity to return home, so leave something of me behind to watch over them.
Your mercy is appreciated.
Your loving brother,
John
Tears were running down James’ face as he finished. Still holding the letter, he put a hand over his face, giving himself the luxury of indulging in his grief if only for a brief moment. He pictured his brother, writing the letter by candlelight on the eve of a great battle. There was no fear conveyed in the letter, no cowardice or remorse. Simply a man wanting to ensure his affairs were in order and that his brother, the most important person in his life, understood what was in his heart.
He had been right.
James was devastated.
“I’m sorry if this has reopened a wound that was trying tae heal,” Gaira whispered, breaking into his thoughts. “But I saw the letter and I knew that ye should, too.”
James wiped at his face quickly, struggling to compose himself. “Y-You were correct,” he said. “I-I am glad I saw it. I only wish… well, my brother and I were not the type to speak affectionately to each other. We could laugh together, drink together, and argue quite well, but when it came to speaking of our feelings… it simply wasn’t done. T-That is why this letter means so much to me.”
Gaira smiled timidly. “I am glad.”
There was so much more she wanted to say to him, so much that wouldn’t come. Now simply didn’t seem like the right time. Before her was the man she’d fallen in love with through his letters but, at the moment, this was not about her or her feelings. This was about James and the loss of a brother.
She didn’t feel right saying anything more.
She had done what she’d come to do.
“I… I suppose ye’ll be leaving now,” she said. “I’ve heard they buried English officers in Inverness, so perhaps that’s where yer brother is. I do wish ye well, m’laird.”
She started to stand up, but James stopped her. “W-Wait,” he said. “P-Please… wait. I am coming to think that without you, none of this would have been possible.”
Gaira paused, realizing that she was close to tears at the thought of leaving those letters behind.