the thick cuffs of the man's coat, her hands looked all the more slender and exquisite. She must have been looking at the high dim clouds, the stars that burned through the purple layer of evening mist.
"I have to go to Roget," I said under my breath. "I have to take care of Nicki, tell them some lie about what's happened to you."
She turned, and her face looked small and cold suddenly, the way it could at home when she was disapproving. But she'd never really look that way again.
"Why tell them anything about me?" she asked. "Why ever even bother with them again?"
I was shocked by this. But it wasn't a complete surprise to me. Perhaps I'd been waiting for it. Perhaps I'd sensed it in her all along, the unspoken questions.
I wanted to say Nicki sat by your bed when you were dying, does that mean nothing? But how sentimental, how mortal that sounded, how positively foolish.
Yet it wasn't foolish.
"I don't mean to judge you," she said. She folded her arms and leaned against the window. "I simply don't understand. Why did you write to us? Why did you send us all the gifts? Why didn't you take this white fire from the moon and go where you wanted with it?"
"But where should I want to go?" I said. "Away from all those I'd known and loved? I did not want to stop thinking of you, of Nicki, even of my father and my brothers. I did what I wanted," I said.
"Then conscience played no role in it?"
"If you follow your conscience, you do what you want," I said. "But it was simpler than that. I wanted you to have the wealth I gave you. I wanted you ... to be happy."
She reflected for a long time.
"Would you have had me forget you?" I demanded. It sounded spiteful, angry.
She didn't answer immediately.
"No, of course not," she said. "And had it been the other way around, I would never have forgotten you either. I'm sure of it. But the rest of them? I don't give a damn about them. I shall never exchange words with them again. I shall never lay eyes on them."
I nodded. But I hated what she was saying. She frightened me.
"I cannot overcome this notion that I've died," she said. "That I am utterly cut off from all living creatures. I can taste, I can see, I can feel. I can drink blood. But I am like something that cannot be seen, cannot affect things."
"It's not so," I said. "And how long do you think it will sustain you, feeling and seeing and touching and tasting, if there is no love? No one with you?"
The same uncomprehending expression.
"Oh, why do I bother to tell you this?" I said. "I am with you. We're together. You don't know what it was like when I was alone. You can't imagine it."
"I trouble you and I don't mean to," she said. "Tell them what you will. Maybe you can somehow make up a palatable story. I don't know. If you want me to go with you, I'll go. I'll do what you ask of me. But I have one more question for you." She dropped her voice. "Surely you don't mean to share this power with them!"
"No, never." I shook my head as if to say the thought was incredible. I was looking at the jewels, thinking of all the gifts I'd sent, thinking of the dollhouse. I had sent them a dollhouse. I thought of Renaud's players safely across the Channel.
"Not even with Nicolas?"
"No, God, no!" I looked at her.
She nodded slightly as if she approved of this answer. And she pushed at her hair again in a distracted way.
"Why not with Nicolas?" she asked.
I wanted this to stop.
"Because he's young," I said, "and he has life before him. He's not on the brink of death." Now I was more than uneasy. I was miserable. "In time, he'll forget about us. . ." I wanted to say "about our conversation."
"He could die tomorrow," she said. "A carriage could crush him in the streets. . ."
"Do you want me to do it!" I glared at her.
"No, I don't want you to do it. But who am I to tell you what to do? I am trying to understand you."
Her long heavy hair had slipped over her shoulders again, and exasperated, she took hold of it in both hands.
Then suddenly she made a low hissing sound, and her body