pass through your body that should have killed you."
"The bullet missed me," I said. "Roget, don't go on with it. Get them out of Paris, all of them."
"Get them out?" he asked. "But you've put so much money into this little enterprise. . ."
"So what? Who gives a damn?" I said. "Send them to London, to Drury Lane. Offer Renaud enough for his own London theater. From there they might go to America -- Saint-Domingue, New Orleans, New York. Do it, Monsieur. I don't care what it takes. Close up my theater and get them gone!"
And then the ache will be gone, won't it? I'll stop seeing them gathered around me in the wings, stop thinking about Lelio, the boy from the provinces who emptied their slop buckets and loved it.
Roget looked so profoundly timid. What is it like, working for a well-dressed lunatic who pays you triple what anyone else would pay you to forget your better judgment?
I'll never know. I'll never know what it is like to be human in any way, shape, or form again.
"As for Nicolas," I said. "You're going to persuade him to go to Italy and I'll tell you how."
"Monsieur, even persuading him to change his clothes would take some doing."
"This will be easier. You know how ill my mother is. Well, get him to take her to Italy. It's the perfect thing. He can very well study music at the conservatories in Naples, and that is exactly where my mother should go."
"He does write to her... is very fond of her."
"Precisely. Convince him she'll never make the journey without him. Make all the arrangements for him. Monsieur, you must accomplish this. He must leave Paris. I give you till the end of the week, and then I'll be back for the news that he's gone."
It was asking a lot of Roget, of course. But I could think of no other way. Nobody would believe Nicki's ideas about sorcery, that was no worry. But I knew now that if Nicki didn't leave Paris, he would be driven slowly out of his mind.
As the nights passed, I fought with myself every waking hour not to seek him out, not to risk one last exchange.
I just waited, knowing full well that I was losing him forever and that he would never know the reasons for anything that had come to pass. I, who had once railed against the meaninglessness of our existence, was driving him off without explanation, an injustice that might torment him to the end of his days.
Better that than the truth, Nicki. Maybe I understand all illusions a little better now. And if you can only get my mother to go to Italy, if there is only time for my mother still . . .
Meantime I could see for myself that Renaud's House of Thesbians was closed down. In the nearby cafe, I heard talk of the troupe's departure for England. So that much of the plan had been accomplished.
It was near dawn on the eighth night when I finally wandered up to Roget's door and pulled the bell.
He answered sooner than I expected, looking befuddled and anxious in the usual white flannel nightshirt.
"I'm getting to like that garb of yours, Monsieur," I said wearily. "I don't think I'd trust you half as much if you wore a shirt and breeches and a coat.. ."
"Monsieur," he interrupted me. "Something quite unexpected -- "
"Answer me first. Renaud and the others went happily to England?"
"Yes, Monsieur. They're in London by now, but -- "
"And Nicki? Gone to my mother in the Auvergne. Tell me I'm right. It's done."
"But Monsieur!" he said. And then he stopped. And quite unexpectedly, I saw the image of my mother in his mind.
Had I been thinking, I would have known what it meant. This man had never to my knowledge laid eyes upon my mother, so how could he picture her in his thoughts? But I wasn't using my reason. In fact my reason had flown.
"She hasn't ... you're not telling me that it's too late," I said.
"Monsieur, let me get my coat..." he said inexplicably. He reached for the bell.
And there it was, her image again, her face, drawn and white, and all too vivid for me to stand it.
I took Roget by the shoulders.
"You've seen her! She's here."
"Yes, Monsieur. She's in Paris. I'll take you to her now. Young de Lenfent told me she was coming. But I couldn't reach you, Monsieur! I never know where to reach