Upside Down (Breaking the Rules #3) - A.M. Madden Page 0,47

on my balcony to talking into the early-morning hour, I freaked out over how much I wanted him.

On the other hand, emotions that had surprisingly developed toward Cooper, ones that had continued to become more intense with each encounter, were impossible to ignore. I wasn’t handling them very well. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to cut ties. That proved true when I’d showed up at his sister’s house without warning after ghosting him for a week.

And now, as I temporarily resumed my role on Bella Viaggi, a new emotion had settled within me. Dared I say excitement… maybe even hope? Whatever it was had me anxiously waiting for Martin’s return so I could get back home… very unlike me. My work was my life, and for the first time ever it seemed to be in the way.

Surprisingly, he forgave me. Over the last two weeks, Cooper and I had slid into a comfortable routine of sexy random texts during the day and lengthy phone conversations at night. A few nights a week, once all the guests were asleep, as the ship sliced through the tropical waters, I’d sat in the same place on deck where he and I had first kissed and called him.

He’d fill me in on all he’d been up to while the days of his stay in Florida seemed to fly by. As we’d return to port each Saturday, I could’ve attempted to see him before embarking again a few hours later, but I’d purposely kept myself from doing so. If things could naturally develop between us even as we were apart, coming together could be easier when and if that ever occurred.

On more than one occasion, I’d wondered what would become of our situation once August came around, only to push that aside, deciding to take one day at a time. It seemed it was my turn to take on the act of denying.

He, on the other hand, had no problem admitting to things that scared him, excited him, or even intrigued him. Maybe it was that distance that coaxed him to open up as he had… the miles separating us acting as a security net of sorts?

Sometimes those admissions had led our conversations down a dirty path as I responded just as honestly. Sometimes his concerns had created an obstacle neither of us knew how to hurdle. Tonight, it was all about Cooper revealing his vulnerabilities. I understood exactly where he was coming from, and him being so blunt led to me wanting to do the same. Never had I experienced such a brutally honest relationship with anyone, especially when denial had been his crutch for so long. Still, I seemed to hold back more than he did when it came to matters of the heart. Probably because I couldn’t shake the ever-present sense of déjà vu.

“Can I ask you a question?” he asked, his voice gravelly over the phone.

“Don’t you always ask even after I say no?” I stared out into the moonlit darkness, wondering what he wanted to know now.

He chuckled. “True. When did you know… like, really know?”

“That I was gay?”

“Yeah. Were you into girls before then, or did you always know?”

“I think I always knew. I just felt different… not impressed by the same things my buddies were impressed with, not turned on when guys at school talked about a girl’s impressive tits. Contrarily, being in the locker room with them as they casually walked around naked was what seemed to turn me on. Of course, I ignored it and hid it.” I paused. “Denied it.” He grumbled at the use of my favorite word over the line. “Yeah. I meant it when I said I understood feeling the need to deny. It goes with the territory. Most of my teenage years I felt off. But at fifteen was when I knew for sure.”

“How?”

“My mom and I traveled to California during spring break. The house she rented was right on the beach and next door to an openly gay, very voyeuristic couple. Probably in their early twenties. I didn’t know if they lived there or also rented. They weren’t around during the day, and a few days into our stay the only time I saw them was late at night. In their defense, they had no idea they had a horny teenager next door struggling with his sexuality.”

Cooper remained deathly silent on his end as I continued. “My bedroom window gave the perfect view of their deck. One night, muted voices