Untamed - Glennon Doyle Page 0,82

guess.” Then we leave, without help.

A few days later we are in our homes. And we start sinking and floating again. And so forth.

When you start sinking into the gray, get out your phone or a notebook and write a few notes from your Down Self to your Up Self. Write about how you feel right now. This does not need to be a novel, just a note. Here is one of my notes from my Down Self:

It’s all gray.

I can’t feel.

I am all alone.

No one knows me.

I’m too tired to write any more.

Put your note away in a safe place, and then call for that appointment. When you go to your appointment, bring your note from your Down Self. When you sit down with the doctor, you don’t need to remember or translate. You just need to say, “Hello. This is me, all showered and ‘fine’ looking. I don’t need help for this Up version of me; I need help for this version of me.” Take out your note and hand it over. This is how you take care of your Down Self. This is one way to become her friend and advocate.

When you’ve been returned to yourself, write yourself another note.

Months ago, I threw away my umbrella because I was dry. Two weeks later, I’d just finished snapping at the kids for the millionth time and my people were looking at me sideways with scared eyes. I was going through the motions, making lunches, writing words. I just couldn’t remember the point of these motions anymore. I realized I was gone again. But I also felt confused. Maybe this is just who I am, actually. I can’t remember.

So I went to my jewelry box and pulled out the note my Up Self had written to me.

G,

You love your life (mostly).

The smell of Tish’s hair makes you melt.

Sunsets blow your mind. Every time.

You laugh twenty times a day.

You see more magic than the average bear.

You feel loved. You are loved. You have a beautiful life that you have fought hard for.

—G

I called my doctor, got back on my meds, and returned myself to me.

Take good care of all of your selves. Fight like hell to keep yourself, and when you lose her, do whatever it takes to return to her.

4. KNOW YOUR BUTTONS

My commitment to sobriety is about staying with myself. I don’t want to abandon myself ever again. Not for long, at least.

Remember those Staples commercials from a few years ago? A group of people in an office would get stressed about something, and a red “easy” button would appear out of nowhere. Someone would press that button, and the whole office would be transported out of their stress and into a pain-free place.

“Easy” buttons are the things that appear in front of us that we want to reach for because they temporarily take us out of our pain and stress. They do not work in the long run, because what they actually do is help us abandon ourselves. “Easy” buttons take us to fake heaven. Fake heaven always turns out to be hell. You know you’ve hit an “easy” button when, afterward, you feel more lost in the woods than you did before you hit it. It has taken me forty years to decide that when I feel bad, I want to do something that makes me feel better instead of worse.

I keep a handwritten poster in my office titled “Easy Buttons and Reset Buttons.”

On the left are all the things I do to abandon myself.

On the right are my reset buttons, the things I can do to make staying with myself a little more possible.

EASY BUTTONS

RESET BUTTONS

Boozing

Drink a glass of water.

Bingeing

Take a walk.

Shopping

Take a bath.

Snarking

Practice yoga.

Comparing

Meditate.

Reading mean reviews

Go to the beach and watch the waves.

Inhaling loads of sugar and passing out

Play with my dog.

Hug my wife and kids.

Hide the phone.

My reset buttons are just little things. Big thinking is the kryptonite of high and low folks like me. When everything is terrible and I hate my life and I feel certain that I need a new career, a new religion, a new house, a new life, I look at my list and remember that what I really need is probably a glass of water.

5. REMEMBER THAT WE