I’ve been avoiding this email account. I mean, I created it and gave it to you the day I lost you. It’s like I knew I would need to write this letter to your ghost.
Maybe that’s fucked-up, but I need you to hear me. I don’t think I can keep going if you’re not out there, somewhere in the ether, listening.
They said you died in that car accident, but your spirit is too bright, too big, to just vanish. You always smiled at me like you were part of a better world, so I think that’s why you left. You were destined for something greater.
I wish you could tell me where you went. Is it nice? Are you alone?
It’s dark here. Everything feels haunted. All I see is shadows, the ones you left behind. They’re in the hallways at school, on the trails we walked between our houses, and in the rocks we climbed in the desert.
Your ghost belongs to me. It’s the only thing I got to keep. All your possessions were snatched up by extended family and sold off. But your ghost is mine. Except I can’t wrap my arms around it. I don’t know how to hold it and kiss it.
I miss your lips.
I just want to be with you.
You were supposed to grow up and become the strong woman you were meant to be. I couldn’t wait for you to grow up with me.
How could you leave me here to live without you? I want to be mad at you, but I miss you too much. I miss you.
I just…miss you.
It’s not fair what happened to you and your family. Or what’s happened to me. I guess I can be angry about it forever, or I can just try to…be.
You’ve been gone for six months. Did you know that? Does time move the same where you are?
My mom makes me see a therapist because I won’t talk to her. Funny how, when bad things happen, people make it worse by feeling sorry for you. I see the pity in their eyes, the shared looks of concern. What they’re thinking and not saying is that I’m horribly fucked-up and make everyone uncomfortable.
Grownups are clueless. They think they can fix things, like I need someone to take care of me, but mostly they just want me to act normal.
I can act normal and feel brave and still find myself falling.
Maybe that’s what love does. It gives you hope then throws you off the cliff into terrible darkness so that every memory stays with you into infinity.
I’m drowning in memories. I remember when you were born, when you started walking, talking, and running faster than me. Jesus, you were fast. I was always chasing you, wasn’t I?
Now I’m chasing shadows.
You know what really messes me up? The fact that I’ve been waiting my entire life for you to get older, and now you never will.
You’ll always be fourteen. Three years younger than me this year. Four years younger than me next year. The year after that, five years younger. I have to graduate from high school in the spring, knowing that you will never join me on the other side.
All the dreams we talked about—college, marriage, the dogs, the kids, the house with the pond, everything we planned… Our future died with you. We did everything right, and it all turned around on us.
You’re mine, but you’re not. Mine to protect, but I can’t do that, can I?
I guess you don’t need protection where you are. You’re free from danger and pain. Congratulations on being free. But I’m still here, reaching for you and waiting for you to reach back.
Losing you feels like I lost myself. When I try to talk about it, I hear a noiseless hush. Echoes, maybe. Like strangled screaming from somewhere inside me. That really sucks, you know? I can’t talk to the therapist. It’s a waste of goddamn time.
But writing the words to you… I don’t know. This is easier. I don’t feel so helpless and weird. Because I know you’re listening without judgment. Even when you don’t like what I say, you’ve always listened.
Maybe if I keep writing, if I tell you about the guy who misses his girl, no matter how bad it is, I won’t be stuck in this story anymore. I’ll be the author of it.
Authors have the ultimate power. They can save a character. Or kill him off. I like that idea.