Unraveling (Second Chances) - By Micalea Smeltzer Page 0,69
I said, sitting down next to Karlie.
“This looks delicious,” Karlie said with a smile.
“I was –uh- wondering what your plans for the day were?” I asked Jared.
“I planned to stay here with you,” Jared said. “Dan’s going to be pissed at me for not training but I don’t care. I have to take care of my girl,” he crossed his arms on top of the table and leaned towards me.
Karlie giggled and I sat there like an idiot.
Finally, I mumbled, “I don’t need a babysitter.”
“I know you don’t,” he said, and I nearly drowned in those chocolate eyes. “But I want to take care of you. Is there anything you want to do today?” he asked before taking a huge bite of his sandwich.
“I need to get a new car. I was hoping to go by the Cadillac dealership,” I sat back, suddenly not very hungry.
“This is really good,” Jared pointed to the sandwich, “and yeah, I can do that. Are you getting the same car?” he asked.
“Yeah, I guess. I’d be happy with a used car, or one not quite as fancy, but if I ever go back home, or run into my mom, she’d notice if I had a different car.” I played with the condensation on the outside my water glass of water in order to avoid the intense brown eyes boring into me.
“Ah, I see,” Jared, said.
“It sucks having your life ruled by someone else,” I whispered.
“Then why do you let her? She’s not here, Katy. Why do you let her have her claws in you?” Jared tilted his head as he questioned me.
“Fear,” I answered simply.
Fear had steered the course of my life since I was a child. I had always been afraid of my mom. She’d never laid a hand on me… except for the time she’d slapped me when I told her about Preston raping me, but she was a yeller. If something didn’t fit into her perfect plan, she got loud and blamed her mistakes on someone else, usually me. It sucked being the fall guy, but I’d grown used to it.
I wanted her to love me, so I always did what she told me to. I tried so hard to be perfect, always doing things that made me unhappy, in order to be what she wanted.
My fear of her, of what she’d think of me, had completely changed me as a person. I wasn’t the outgoing, bubbly cheerleader she knew; I was shy, quiet, Katy Spencer. Maybe parts of my old self were a part of me now, but most of them were a lie. Even though I sometimes longed to be that girl again, I knew deep down, that I was better off as I am now.
Despite knowing that I’m better off, something inside me still wanted her approval, her love.
I sniffled and Jared said, “Katy?”
I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold the tears back and I took off like a bullet.
I bound up the stairs and into Jared’s room.
I sunk to my knees on the floor and buried my face in my hands while I sobbed.
Strong arms wrapped around me and the scent of citrus invaded my lungs.
“Please don’t hold me,” I choked. “I don’t deserve to be held.”
“You do, Katy,” he whispered gruffly in my ear. “You deserve everything.”
The fight left me and I fell back into his arms, against his hard chest.
“What’s going on in that mind of yours?” he asked. “Why are you upset? What did I say? Tell me so I can fix it, kitten.” When he spoke, his lips brushed against my tear stained cheeks.
“The truth is, Jared, that I was broken a long time before Preston raped me,” a sob shuddered through my body.
I felt his lips brush against the side of my cheek. “Katy,” he whispered, at a loss for words.
“I’ve always been her puppet, Jared. How am I supposed to know who I really am? I wasn’t really the girl I was before Preston raped me and I’m not this girl I am now,” I hiccupped.
Jared sat down on the floor and pulled me more fully against him. I tried not to wiggle away.
“Katy,” he said, brushing my hair back. “You are whoever you want to be.”
I shook my head. “But I don’t know who I want to be.”
“How about you start by just being Katy? Do you think you can do that?” his voice was husky.