and confused, the way you might feel when you wake up after fainting and you’re not sure what happened or where you are or why you’re here. “Will you come and get me?” I asked. Pleaded, really.
“Anna?”
I was looking at my hands and I didn’t see him approach. I look up and there he is, looking broken, and I don’t know if it’s for me or her anymore, and when he says, “What did you do, Anna?” I think he’s going to cry.
He helps me to the car, one hand on my elbow.
“I asked my dad to take the kids tonight.”
I nod. “That’s good.” I wipe my tears with my sleeve. “It’s better for them to be there. They love being with him. I’m glad he could take them. It’s nice of him.”
“Yeah.” We don’t talk after that. When we get home I go upstairs and lie down on the bed. I can’t even describe to Luis how frightened I am right now. He comes upstairs and hands me an Ambien and a glass of water. I take it wordlessly and fall into the abyss.
It is dark and silent when I wake, and I already miss my kids more than I can say. Luis is lying next to me, watching me. I turn to face him.
“Luis?”
“Yes, babe.”
“I’m really scared.”
He takes my hand. “I know.”
We go downstairs and he makes ham and cheese sandwiches for us but I can’t eat anything.
“I didn’t do it,” I tell him. “She was fine when I left.” But I also tell him we have to make plans, because it’s not looking good for me.
“I’m so confused,” I say, my mouth trembling. “I’m so scared, Luis. They’re going to put me in jail.”
“No, they won’t, we’ll get the best lawyers—we can afford it, right? We can use your prize money. We’ll get the very best.”
I don’t tell him the prize money is a mirage right now. “Yes,” I say. “You’re right. We’ll be fine. But if we’re not—”
“You have to think positive, Anna.”
“Luis, please. Listen to me. I want us to talk about the children, if something happens to me.”
He sits down at the table next to me, runs a hand through his hair.
“Will you promise me that you will look after them, that you will keep them safe? Matti spends too much time on his Xbox and we need to do something about that. And try to keep Carla off social media for as long as possible? They love you so much, Luis. You’re a wonderful, incredible father. But you’ll have to be strong.”
He’s crying. “I can’t do it without you, Anna.”
I reach for his hand. “Sure you can. You’re the best father, the best parent. Do you remember when Mateo fell off his bike that time?” I laugh through my tears. “Do you know how jealous I was that he called out to you instead of me? They adore you, Luis. You’re their whole world.”
He squeezes my hand. “I have to tell you something.”
I can’t. I just can’t deal with anything else right now. I press my fingers against my temples. “What?” I say, without looking up.
“I asked Matti to fall off his bike that day and call out for me.”
I wait, feeling a smile on my lips. “You didn’t.”
“I did. I paid him five bucks, too. I wanted to show you I was doing a really good job bringing up our children. You were flying, Anna. You were so smart, so successful, you were like a shining star and I wanted you to see what a good job I was doing at home. Five bucks was a bargain, I think.”
“The ninja turtle plasters?”
“All part of the plan.”
“Seriously?”
“Cross my heart.”
“Wow.”
“I know.”
“He fell quite hard.”
“He’s a great little actor.”
“He could have cracked his head.”
“True, true.”
“And Matti went along with this?”
“Five bucks.”
I’m laughing now. I brush off my tears and rest my head on his shoulder. “I can’t believe you did that just to impress me.”
He caresses my hair. “I’ll look after them, I give you my word.”
But that’s not what I wanted to hear after all. I wanted him to keep saying how it was all going to be okay, and we didn’t even need to have this conversation.
Because if Luis doesn’t believe in me, then nobody will.
Thirty-Eight
I lie in bed most of the morning. Luis brings me cups of tea and watches me, his eyebrows knotted together. “Can I get you anything?” he asks. He makes it sound like I’m ill and I need