of her ears as he panted, his hair matted with sweat, his hands groping her body, his clammy cheek next to hers, as he’d clumsily kissed her neck. Lizzie had stared up at him, confused about the intense emotion that was causing his face to contort in a way that made her fearful. They had kissed many times before but nothing had felt like this time. Lizzie shuddered, remembering her naivety as she continued to recall the way he had pressed down upon her with the whole weight of his body, stealing the air from her lungs. In the kitchen Lizzie drew in a deep breath, needing to feel that freedom now as she remembered. Back then she hadn’t enjoyed the experience, and had tried to push him off. ‘Come on, Fergus, I need to get home. You know Father is strict about my curfew.’
But instead of his usual jovial response, he had tightened his grip on her arms, narrowed his eyes and appeared not to hear her as he attempted to quiet her with an intense kiss on the lips.
Eventually, she had thrust him back harder, and red-faced, he had looked desperate.
‘You can’t do that, Lizzy. You can’t just lead a boy on like this,’ he had spat out at her. ‘There is a name for girls like you, and it isn’t nice.’
Lizzie had been shaken. He had never spoken to her in that way before, and her cheeks had reddened, too. She suddenly felt guilty, responsible for his angry mood. She hadn’t meant to lead him on. This wasn’t the first time they’d ever kissed. Why was this so different?
‘Oh, get away with you,’ she’d responded, trying to sound cheerful and keep the tremble from her voice. ‘You know that isn’t the case.’ Once again, she’d attempted to raise herself, pushing up from her elbows. Eventually, frustrated, he’d let go of her arms, thrusting them away from him and had rolled over and lay next to her on the straw. He was furious.
‘It’s not right, Lizzie. We can’t go on like this,’ he said, unable to keep the frustration from his tone.
Now angry herself with the pressure she was feeling from him, Lizzie had jumped to her feet, and attempted to leave when he’d grabbed her arm again.
His voice dropped to a whisper as he started to plead with her. ‘Lizzie, I’m sorry. Please don’t leave like this, please!’ he’d whined, pulling her back down onto the hay next to him. ‘Please just stay a little while longer. I love you, I don’t want us to part like this.’
She’d sat back down but a million thoughts had whirred through her mind, as she’d measured what he’d said. Had she been leading him on? She hadn’t intended to, she knew how babies were made and just didn’t want to get pregnant. She had to admit she’d been more than curious about what all that meant, but something about this evening just didn’t feel right to her. Fergus had become intense and brooding.
‘It’s just I love you so much,’ he whispered into her neck, trying to reassure her. ‘People who really love each other want to take it further. And everyone knows, you can’t get pregnant the first time, any rate. And I’ve tried to be so patient because I love you, Lizzie, but if you really loved me too, you’d want to do this. Don’t you feel anything? Don’t you love me?’
‘You know I do,’ she insisted, confused by her conflicting feelings. She did love Fergus, didn’t she? Why didn’t she want to take it further if she loved him?
Lizzie had started to doubt her own conviction. Was Fergus right? Was there something wrong with her? As she’d contemplated all this he’d carried on coaxing and reminding her they were in love and one day would be married and besides he would stand by her whatever happened. Interspersed with his cajoling he’d continued kissing her neck, her face, stroking her hair and telling her how beautiful she was.
And finally, concerned about the time and not wanting them to fall out, he’d worn her down with his persistence, assuring her he promised to stop if she wasn’t enjoying it. It had still felt wrong and she hadn’t enjoyed it at all. In fact, it had been really uncomfortable, though she had just wanted to get it over with at that point.
After he’d finished, she’d laid back on the straw, tears pricking her eyes, feeling completely confused and a deep sadness