I don’t answer, because for the life of me, I don’t know.
06:12:14:43
Cecily and two of the evac center’s armed guards escort Deirdre and me back to the car.
“Don’t worry, it’ll get better,” I lie as I hug her.
Then Deirdre and I are in the car and driving through the maze that is the parking lot. We suffer in silence for a few minutes, Deirdre with her lips pressed together, her frown lines etching themselves more permanently into her face. I briefly wonder if she’ll ever laugh or smile like she used to, and then she says what I’ve been thinking this whole time. “Another one.”
I don’t answer, because I don’t have to.
My dad worked in Missing Persons—it was his first job as an analyst with the Bureau—back in the nineties. His first year, there were 67,806 active missing-person cases in the US. I remember thinking then how unfathomably huge that number seemed.
But that was when he was alive.
It doesn’t seem huge anymore.
Because as of this morning, there are 113,801 missing persons—the ones not presumed dead. And that’s just in San Diego County.
Renee Adams is number 113,802.
06:11:52:37
The interstates are cracked, collapsed, half fallen, and unstable, so we take back roads. They’ve been cleared, but they’re not in good shape. I hold on to the “oh shit” handle as we drive to keep my body from slamming into the door. We don’t talk, because the headlights only allow Deirdre to see about ten feet of road in front of her. The ride is bumpy, slow, and dark.
We pass through the first military checkpoint at Aero Drive and then the one at Balboa Avenue without incident.
Each time, Deirdre stops the car and it’s the same routine. A Marine with a machine gun strapped over his shoulder shines a flashlight into the car. Deirdre holds up both our IDs, and when we’re recognized, the Marine nods and waves us through.
While we drive, I avoid looking out the window. It’s dark, so it’s not like I could really see anything. But I know what’s there. I know the Walmart on Aero Drive survived the quakes with minimal damage, only to be destroyed by the looting. It’s too easy to remember the last time I was there. The crunch of broken glass under my feet, the thick smoke, the smell of fire and burning plastic, and the body of the dead pregnant woman, killed by blunt-force trauma to the back of the head.
It’s much too easy to remember. Every time I close my eyes, I wish I could forget.
Around Balboa, there are some houses still standing and some that are at least inhabitable—but for the most part, everything is different. It doesn’t hurt any less to drive by neighborhoods that are flattened, to see debris where there used to be structures.
It hurts to think that I can hardly remember what it looked like before.
I keep my eyes closed and try to think about nothing—absolutely nothing. I will my mind to keep itself blank. But it’s black, like a black hole, like a portal, and suddenly I can see Ben, his dark eyes and his soft brown hair. I can see the look on his face when he said, “I’ll come back for you.” When he took one more step back and promised. When he stopped, said my name, told me he loved me, and then the portal swallowed him into the blackness.
Aching and a little breathless, I press the heels of my hands into my eyes hard, as if that will somehow get rid of the memory.
06:11:37:11
The third checkpoint is at Clairemont Mesa Boulevard. We pass two flares and a Marine with a machine gun to signal the upcoming stop. Deirdre slows the car until it jerks to a standstill, then rolls down her window and holds out our IDs.
But instead of waving us through, he holds on to them, examining their every corner with the flashlight.
My first reaction is to be annoyed. I’m so exhausted my whole body aches with a heaviness that makes me feel sluggish and irritable. We’re supposed to be on the same team—the good guys—and here we are being detained by some overeager hero wannabe.
But when he still doesn’t give the IDs back, a trickle of fear moves through me like a chill. I shiver a little and sit up straighter.
Something’s not right.
He looks up and says, “What’s your business on the road?” His voice is deep, and I don’t recognize it. He’s either new to this checkpoint or new