but I had never been this close. My heart sped up. In the last few days, the idea had taken shape, but the Camorra had always seemed in my way, a barrier I’d have to pass to get what I wanted. Now I realized the only thing stopping me was me. If I wanted to do it, I could find her now and end her life.
“Kill her or do whatever else you see fit for someone like her after everything she’s done.”
“Broken me?” I clipped, even if it was a tone not fit for a Capo.
“I don’t see someone broken when I look at you. And if you think you are, then you should try to fix yourself because no one else can.”
I nodded. Dad had tried, Dima had tried, even Adamo was trying but deep down I knew there was only one way for me to get past what had happened.
“What if I want her to be free? What if I want to make my peace with her? Not everyone needs to kill their mother to move on.” It was a risky thing to say, but Remo had caught me on the wrong foot.
His expression became dangerous. “That’s true. Some people can make peace with their abusers, but our kind isn’t able to do it.”
Our kind. My father had always tried to keep me away from the darkness but its call had always been loud and clear in my heart. “I never considered killing her.”
Remo gave me a look that made it clear he didn’t believe me.
“In detail,” I amended. “I thought she was dead so I never really considered it a valid option. It was the impossible fantasy of a desperate mind.”
“It’s not an impossible fantasy anymore, Dinara. It’s your revenge. It’s in your reach. You only have to take it.”
I swallowed. “I can’t kill her now. Not yet. I’ve never killed anyone,” I admitted. I’d never even witnessed someone being killed. I had by accident walked in after a killing once when Dad had shot one of his soldiers in his office. But the man had been dead and lying in his blood. I hadn’t looked into his eyes in his last waking moments.
Remo shrugged. “No one’s without fault.”
I snorted. “Some people might see it as a virtue to refrain from killing.”
“Those are usually people who’ve never seen the dark side of life, and tasted how good it can be if you bend it to your will.”
“I have seen enough darkness…” I paused, trying to really feel inside of me. I didn’t doubt I could pull a trigger if given the right incentive, especially to protect myself or people I cared about. But revenge was a different beast. It stemmed from an even darker urge.
Yet, I wanted to follow its calling.
I practically bounced on the bar stool as I waited for Dinara to talk to Remo. It didn’t sit well with me that she had to deal with him alone.
“Remo wants to help her. There’s no reason for you to be tense,” Nino drawled. He sat on the bar stool beside me, regarding me with his usual analytical calm expression.
“Would you have been relaxed to have Kiara in a room with Remo in the beginning?”
“Kiara needed to feel protected and she only trusted me. Dinara seems like a woman who can handle herself. She won’t let Remo intimidate her. You don’t have to worry.” He narrowed his eyes in consideration. “But your comparison proves that your relation to Dinara goes beyond the physical aspect. You care for her on an emotional level.”
I tore my eyes away from his. “It’s complicated.”
“Indeed.”
Steps sounded and the door to the back corridor swung open. Dinara was awfully pale when she stepped into the bar. That was a look many people displayed after some alone time with Remo.
I jumped off the stool and hurried over to her. I touched her shoulder, drawing her gaze to mine. “Are you all right?”
Dinara nodded distractedly. “Yeah.” She laughed hoarsely. “Or maybe not.”
“What did Remo say?”
Dinara held up a piece of paper with a handwritten note. “He gave me the address of the bar where my mother works.”
“Dinara,” I said slowly. Remo had always wanted to kill our mother for what she’d done to him and my brothers. Revenge had been his driving force. For him it was impossible to comprehend that not everyone followed the same logic as him.
“Take me there,” Dinara said, not allowing me to voice my worries. I could feel Nino’s gaze