on Alli’s locker too, I’d heard. I’m sure it was hard to have someone be cruel—I can certainly dish it but can’t take it—but I finally realize it was probably more painful to see the taunts in full view of everyone who passed by. Hundreds of people are invited into your suffering.
I blink, charging off to the locker room to change into my gear. I throw on my clothes, grab my equipment, and head out to the field with my friends, needing to run to get rid of the urge to scrub the front of her locker with nail polish remover. The janitors will take care of it tonight.
My head overflows with lava, and it just keeps coming and coming, the fact that she’s not here. And she won’t be here tomorrow.
Krisjen takes up Liv’s place on the field, Amy and Ruby laughing and joking around, everyone carrying on their conversations like she’s not gone. Like she wasn’t important.
She’s smart. She works hard. She’s in that theater every night, without pay, no one more devoted to earning everything she deserves. She comes from nothing, works her ass off, is honest, and a good person. She’s the muscle on the team, and they’re all just acting like we actually have a shot without her. Like she isn’t irreplaceable.
But to them, she’s nothing. She’s just the dyke who once went here.
“Come on!” I yell when Krisjen misses the goal again.
“I can’t…” She gasps. “Clay, I can’t. It’s too fast.”
“Too fast?” I bark, getting in her face, the numbness of the last few days gone. “Are you kidding?”
Krisjen backs away from me, scared.
“Gibbon’s Cross is gonna be a lot harder on you. Stop pussing out!” I yell.
Everyone stops, sweat coating my back and no one’s fucking laughing now.
“I’m not losing the biggest game of my senior year because everyone wants to get lazy all of a sudden!”
The game is in two days, for Christ’s sake!
“Collins…” Coach warns.
But I throw down my stick and my eyewear, sprinkles of rain hitting my arms. “God, you guys suck!”
I stomp off toward the locker room. Coach grabs my arm, but I yank it away.
“Coach, it’s okay,” I hear Krisjen tell her as I keep walking. “We’ll go.”
I leave, heading for the locker room without looking up.
It’s fine. Everything is fine.
I yank my locker door open, but I haven’t had enough, and I do it again and again, tears spilling down my face as I dig in my backpack for the pill bottle.
I fumble with the cap, finally giving up and resting my head on the locker next to mine, the cool metal feeling like heaven after the heat of the blood rushing under my skin.
“It’s fine,” I sob.
Someone comes up and hugs my back, and I crumble to the floor, Krisjen hanging on and falling with me.
“Clay, it’s okay,” she whispers, and I hear the tears in her throat. “I know you miss him. It’s okay. You can cry.”
Yeah.
Henry. Right.
I let her hold me, giving into it as Amy kneels down beside us, and probably only there because she thinks she should be, but I’ll take it, because the world feels empty enough. There’s nothing. I’m nothing.
I wish tomorrow would never come.
It’s fine. Everything is fine.
She’s the one who loses. Not me. Everything is as it should be now.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Just leave her alone. Forget about her.
She’s gone.
“DID YOU THINK I wasn’t going to find out?”
I swallow the small bite of chili and tap the wooden spoon on the edge of the pot before setting it down. I look over at Macon’s hand, watching the screen of the phone that he holds in my face. The video of Megan and me plays, and Iron, Army, and Dallas crowd around him to see.
Aracely sits in the stool, leaning back against the wall with her arms crossed, and very interested in what the guys are talking about, because she’s relishing it. She brought it to their attention, I’m sure.
I turn off the burner and grab a bowl for myself. “What were you going to do about it?”
It’s not like I was trying to hide it. I reposted it, didn’t I? I just didn’t make him aware of it. There’s a lot I don’t make him aware of.
“Is this why you left school?” Army chimes in.
“I’m still a student.”
I scoop up a bowlful and place the lid on the pot. Adding some oyster crackers, I pick a spoon out of the drawer and walk into the living