ripping them into shreds. He pulled a condom from his pocket and discarded the wrapping with his usual fury. Penny felt a brief flash of anger at the thought that he had brought it with him, and wondered if he had more in the same pocket and had already had sex with other women tonight and she was merely the last in his string of conquests. She felt hurt and disgusted, but nevertheless let him slide into her, and this time it was easier. He slipped in without resistance or pain, and with each stroke it was as if the world had contracted, the universe had disappeared and nothing else existed beyond this one piece of him that filled her whole body with tremors of lust and pure sensation. Their ragged breaths blended into one single hoarse cry as they came together.
Soon after, Penny rose to gather her coat from the floor. Marcus remained on the couch, sitting with his pants down to his thighs, hunting for the lighter in his pocket. A cigarette dangled, ready, from his lips.
Penny tried to ignore him, leaving the attic in silence, with no kiss, no smile, without a word, closing the door with just enough force to communicate that she despised him, even though she had just given herself to him.
And yet she knew that she loved him.
How these two things went together – a piercing hatred alongside an equally piercing need for someone – she had yet to discover.
18
MARCUS
As soon as I wake up I go for a run. I’m dead tired. I don’t want to think about anything, and above all I don’t want to think about Penny and what I stole from her. When I return, I stop for a moment outside her door.
What am I going to do?
Knock?
To tell her what?
Does it still hurt after I broke you? How are you? Are you disgusted by the very sight of me?
But even if I do disgust her, what do I care? It’s not like I actually raped her. If she’d told me, I would have been less aggressive.
No, if she’d told me, I would have opened the door and seen her out. Guys like me aren’t cut out for that kind of responsibility. I have no time to waste on petting and make-out sessions like I’m sixteen or something. What good is it if you can’t fuck hard?
So I don’t knock, but go up to the attic instead and try to forget all about it.
But then my eyes fall on the stained bedding, so I snatch it angrily off the bed, put it in the shower and give it a good scrub, then I wash myself too. I stand under the jet for at least half an hour, as still as I can, and even if I try and try, and I’m tired and my mind should be blank, I just can’t get Penny out of my head.
What. Is. Happening. To. Me?
I go out again and see Sherrie for a bite to eat. The place is full of people. You can eat well for very little. I sit down at a free table and Sherrie approaches me with a wink.
‘You alone today, baby?’ she asks, handing me a plastic-covered menu that I know by heart.
‘I’m always alone,’ I reply. ‘Bring me a medium-rare steak and a beer, will you, and then a slice of your amazing cheesecake.’
‘All right, honey, but next time you bring Penny along.’
‘I don’t want to disappoint you, Aunt Sherilyn, but there’s absolutely nothing between Penny and me. I’m not bringing her here, or anywhere else for that matter.’
‘Bad call. That girl is like a breath of fresh air. She’s clean like the March waters in Montana when I was a child. I used to get up early to help my parents in the barn, and for a good five minutes I’d stay out in the snow and breathe in fresh oxygen! Even now, when someone asks me what’s the best thing I’ve ever eaten, I think of that air there, the pure air of my childhood, but anyways . . . I meant to ask you, does your parole officer know you hang around here?’
My lip curls at the thought of that snoop Malkovich. ‘I doubt it. He’s not exactly stalking me. He knows I wrote to Francisca because the prison administration told him, but it’s not like he can constantly monitor everyone on parole.’