Truth in Advertising Page 0,2

$135,000. All before rolling a single foot of film.

Raphael says, “That’s what we’re talking about here. Life. You, mother Gwyneth. And your womb. Your vagina.”

He pauses to let this sink in. Which it does, whether she wants it to or not.

Raphael continues. “The Latin word for sheath. Say it with me. Vagin . . .”

“I wish you’d stop saying that,” Gwyneth says with a smile, trying very hard. I give her credit. She’s much nicer than I imagined from my casual reading of Us Weekly.

“The way Raphael sees this shot . . .”

“I’m so sorry,” Gwyneth says. “Who’s Raphael?”

“That would be me,” Raphael says, his titanium ego unfazed.

“Huh. Okay.”

He barrels along, a clueless man-boy dressed in jeans that are dangerously close to falling down and a T-shirt emblazoned with the words FRITOS ARE LIFE. “Raphael sees that baby is naked, afraid. So he looks to you for everything. Now, let us consider your breasts.” And with that he moves his hand to mime the shape of Mrs. Coldplay’s diminutive yet shapely bosom.

Gwyneth is by far the highest profile super-mom that we’ve shot for our almost-award-winning campaign, “Snugglies Moms and Snugglies Babies: Together as One.” To date we’ve shot Rachel Weisz, Rebecca Romijn, and Kelly Ripa (whom I saw, briefly, in her underpants). Gwyneth at first refused to do it, saying through an agent that she “didn’t care for advertising, though she made no aspersions toward either the brand or the agency, though she was not familiar with either.” Initially Gwyneth was not on the consideration list, as both the agency and the client felt she’d never do it. There had been a great deal of discussion—in-person meetings as well as conference calls involving dozens of personalities—as to who best represented the brand, as well as who would do it for the money. (I am not at liberty to disclose that figure but it was between $299,000 and $301,000.) Names like Madonna and Angelina were short-listed but ultimately the client feared that they were seen as “baby thieves” (the client’s words). Nicole Kidman was considered, but was labeled “weird and scary.” (We had a large board in a conference room with names and corresponding traits.) President Obama’s mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, was added to the list but was also ultimately nixed because, as our senior client, Jan, said on a conference call to general acclaim, “This is about the mother-child bond, not the nana-child bond. Though we would like to see more women of color.” Which is when a midlevel client responded, suggesting Victoria Beckham (aka Posh Spice). Which is when we informed the client that Mrs. Spice-Beckham was not, in fact, a woman of color but just a woman colored, perpetually tanned, often deeply so.

We launched the campaign in 2007. The initial focus group testing results had been very good. But the economic downturn found a far different attitude toward extremely rich, unusually beautiful, oddly thin mothers who, according to groups in a number of cities around the country, “probably had twenty-four-hour-a-day help” (Chicago) and “sure as hell ain’t using the drive-through window at McDonald’s to shut the little bastards up” (Houston). Gwyneth is our last super-mom in the campaign.

“Breast milk,” Raphael begins.

“Maybe let’s move on,” Gwyneth says, the radiant smile somehow still in place. She appears to have no pores on her face.

“Also clothing,” he continues. “You have to ask yourself this question—what diaper will you place on his precious bottom?”

One senses a collective “Give-me-a-fucking-break” coming from the assemblage. But then one notices the five clients. They are mesmerized. They’re buying it. Which is both good and bad, as they now think Raphael (who, it turns out, is named Richard Dinklage. That’s right, Dick Dinklage) is a genius.

He slowly, dramatically, raises a diaper.

“Will it be any old diaper, or will it be . . . a Snugglie?”

Pam elbows me and whispers, “Say something. Now. We are way behind schedule.”

I say, “I think what . . .” I realize I can’t say his fake name, so I simply gesture to him instead. “I think what the director is saying is that this is one of those nothing little moments that actually mean a lot to a parent, when you’re changing your baby and they’re smiling and there’s that connection. The whole idea is that nothing is more important than being a mother.”

Gwyneth speaks to me and smiles, and I instantly understand why some people are stars. “Cool. That’s great. I like that. Are we starting now? Because I’d love to use