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estate. I suppose it was easier (and cheaper) for him to sponge off me when he needed to rather than dip into his own pocket unnecessarily. Today - for reasons best known to himself - he had decided to travel halfway across the country to see a couple of his friends from college. I didn't understand the need. Rob and his friends drank, studied, socialised and partied with each other almost all the year round, and yet they always seemed to want to meet up in the holidays too. More drinking, socialising and parties perhaps? Still, looking on the bright side Rob had only been back with me for just over a month and I was already sick of the sight of him. It did us both good to be away from each other for a while. The loss of my car for a day was a fair price to pay for a little peace and space.

'Why the bloody hell do you do this?' James asked suddenly, waking me from my early morning daydreams.

'Do what?' I mumbled, confused.

'You know,' he said, shouting to make himself heard over the throaty roar of his car's exhausted engine, 'work on a farm for nothing? Christ, if I had the chance to stop at home and do nothing like you could then I'd do just that. You wouldn't catch me doing anything I didn't have to. And that tight bugger Porter doesn't even pay you!'

From the outside I guessed that his feelings were pretty understandable. My decision to give up my time voluntarily to work at the farm did seem out of character for someone who had recently jumped ship from the rat race. But there were reasons why I did it. Reasons that I usually chose not to share.

'I get bored sitting at home all day,' I said, hoping to throw James off the scent. It seemed to do the trick. He nodded thoughtfully and returned his full attention to the dusty road which stretched out in front of us.

That answer was partly true, but it wasn't the only reason why I helped Joe out. He had been a close friend of Mum and Dad, and he'd been the one who had broken the news of their accident to me. He'd been the one who had driven me to the hospital and he'd been the one who had picked up Rob from university and brought him home when it happened. I owed Joe Porter a lot. I had a debt of gratitude to him which I wanted to repay. On another level I knew that my dad would have been appalled if he'd known I'd left my job. It was something of a consolation to be doing something with my time that I thought he might approve of.

There was another reason for working at the farm. It was much more simple and obvious. The fact of the matter was that I couldn't stand spending all that time on my own. Siobhan worked long hours and Rob was usually away at university. I had other friends, but they worked too and were not often about during the day time. It wasn't so much the boredom that bothered me, instead it was the danger of having too much time to think. I had pretty much come to terms with losing Mum and Dad (well, as much as anyone ever can come to terms with such a loss) but there were moments when the strong facade I put up crumbled and fell. It was often when I was doing the most ridiculously mundane and uninteresting thing - mowing the lawn or washing up or cooking for example. Sometimes just hearing their names or seeing their faces in photographs on the walls would do it. A crack would appear that would quickly become wider and wider until it was more like a gaping chasm. Then it was only a matter of time before the floodgates opened and a tidal wave of grief washed over me. I always felt better again eventually. But whenever the pain begins it feels like it will never go away.

'The atmosphere's bad at work at the moment,' James sighed. 'When isn't it bad?' I replied, not in the slightest bit interested. I had hoped that we might get through the journey without having to hear about the office but no such luck. If I'd turned to my right and smacked James in the face he wouldn't have stopped. He was on autopilot -