Trust in Me - Quinn Ward Page 0,66

trans. I held my breath, certain that would be the step too far. Mom said nothing as she sat down at her computer and started researching how to best help a fourteen-year-old trans child.

I never had to ask for anything. She somehow managed to stay one step ahead of me the entire way, finding a pediatrician who had a good reputation, making appointments with therapists who would help us plead my case. If she’d ever mourned the girl that she’d given birth to, it was behind closed doors.

She worried about me and for me, but all of that was out of love. And yet, I was once again faced with a moment of ‘will this be too much’ and I was fucked terrified.

“Breathe, Sammy,” Daddy whispered. I was vaguely aware that we were moving. He sat in his recliner and pulled me into his lap. We gently rocked back and forth until my ragged breaths slowed. “What was that all about?”

I opened my eyes, praying to every deity I could think of that my parents weren’t hovering over me, worried out of their minds. Then again, they were used to me so it probably—maybe—hadn’t fazed them. I let out an audible sigh when I saw my dad on the back deck, pointing at something along the tree line.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. Your dad seemed to understand what was going on and said he was going to give us a few minutes,” he explained. I focused on the gentle rasp of his palm against denim as he rubbed my leg. “I’ve never seen you spin out that hard or that fast. What brought it on?”

One of the many reasons I loved Daddy the way I did was that he found ways to talk about my anxiety without saying the word out loud. I wasn’t sure why that made a difference, but it did.

“They’re good people,” I said, watching as Dad slid a hand around Mom’s back and kissed the top of her head. I knew she was worried about me, and I hated that. This weekend was supposed to be all about showing her how well I was doing living like any other functional adult and wasn’t going to be jobless and homeless once I graduated. Instead, she was getting a needy ball of frayed nerves.

“I knew that long before today but seeing you with them makes me love them even more,” he admitted. I gaped at him. He loved them? “Yes, baby boy. They raised you to be the sweetest, most loving man I’ve met. How could I not?”

I threw my arms around his neck, kissing every inch of his face.

“As much as I love affectionate Sammy, don’t think you’re getting out of telling me what had you upset.”

“I’m trying really hard to remember that you’re Theron this weekend but it’s not easy,” I admitted. “When you called me baby, I felt tingly like I always do but I almost called you Daddy.”

“It’s okay if you do.” He’d told me this before as well. But he couldn’t promise me they’d understand. It had taken me a long time to understand this was simply part of who I was and not me trying to reclaim my lost boyhood that I’d been robbed of by being raised female. A lot of people thought that way, and I didn’t want them to because they loved me so damn much Mom would feel guilty for not knowing something was off sooner. “If it happens, we’ll sit down and talk with them about it if they’re concerned. But I’d be willing to bet they’d let it go without interrogating you about it. Didn’t you say they’ve always made sure you and your siblings know you can talk to them about anything?”

“But wouldn’t they be upset about me keeping this from them?”

“Now you’re trying to find reasons to justify how upset you were,” Daddy scolded me. His brow creased and my heart sank. He was disappointed in me. I couldn’t blame him because I wasn’t my biggest fan right then, either. But he kissed my forehead, and I started to wonder if there was something else. Daddy held my face, staring straight into my eyes. “I need you to stay calm for me, Sammy. I know this weekend is a lot of stress and it’s your nature to worry about everything, but it’s all going to be okay. Do you trust me on that?”

“I always trust you,” I promised. Daddy never let anything hurt me.

“Good.” He kissed