I didn’t imagine getting help, but I don’t… I guess I knew, no matter what I said, it wouldn’t be only his word against mine, but Mom’s too. It’s so strange, the conversations we never had, all the things I assumed…but assumed correctly.
“Usually I just went off…in my mind. In sixth grade, when we were learning about South America, my sixth-grade teacher, Ms. Neal, used to tell us stories about going to Peru. Sounded like such an adventure. And it gave me a place to go in my mind, to escape the pain…far away, in another country where he couldn’t hurt me. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes it was a book or a movie, Narnia or Wonderland, but something about Machu Picchu being real made it feel like maybe one day I could get there, and be safe.”
What a dumb fucking thing to tell him. I felt so exposed and vulnerable. I hated myself for sharing, but it felt too damn good to stop.
“It was my thirteenth birthday,” I forced out, “and we kept birthdays within the family. I didn’t have many friends anyway, so it wasn’t a big deal. I still don’t know what it was…if he was bothered because the night was all about me…or if he was pissed about something else, but I guess I was annoyed, and I said something in a tone he didn’t care for, and he lost it. Next thing I knew, I was on the floor, and then I was up and on the floor again.
“I think it was the first time I tried to fight back. Learned my lesson. And I remember lying there on the floor, and Mom telling me over and over that we were gonna say I fell down the stairs. We’d never talked about it before, she’d never asked me to lie about any of it before, so it was like suddenly, I knew she’d seen all that, knew it was wrong enough to need to lie about it, and she’d just let it happen.”
I couldn’t look James in the eyes.
“And when the nurses and doctors talked to me, I kept telling that same lie…looking at her, seeing how fucking relieved she was that I hadn’t told the fucking truth. How’s that not supposed to fuck a kid up?”
I had to take a moment to wipe my face as the tears released, far beyond my control.
“Shit. Haven’t even told Tex about that.” My voice cracked.
I needed to shut the hell up until I could regain control of my emotions, but it didn’t seem like that would be happening anytime soon.
Before I had a chance to lift my head, I felt something across my back and realized it was his arm. He drew me into his chest, holding me close. His firm hug felt soothing for a moment, made me feel so safe, that I just fell the fuck apart.
His face traveled near my hair, to beside my cheek as he whispered against my ear, “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. But you know you can still go to the police.”
I would’ve laughed if it hadn’t been so painful. I pulled away from him. “Oh, my sweet, naive James. I did. Just a few months later, once I’d healed, I’d worked up the courage to go to the station. I think he broke the bone and my loyalty at the same time, because after that I was done watching him shove her around. I went to the cops—a lot of higher-ups are in good with the biggest megachurch in Whispersaw County. ‘That one may smile and smile and be a villain.’”
Fucking Hamlet was sure as fuck right about that.
“So there was an investigation,” I went on, “into the fact that I was a fucking liar, I suppose… Why do you think Dad had to do a number on my reputation? His crazy, bad-boy kid.”
“Oh my God, Kyle.” He pulled me back into his hold, and God, it felt so good, it made me hate myself.
I gritted my teeth as I took a breath.
Get it together, Kyle.
I pushed away again. “I don’t do this. I’m good. I’m fine. It made me tougher.”
“It did, but you don’t always have to be tough, Kyle.”
“Whatever,” I said, avoiding eye contact. Clearly, I was just strong enough to throw all my defenses back up.
I finally looked at him, and I could see he didn’t know how to help me. How could he? No one could make it better. No one