The Treble With Men (Scorned Women's Society #2) - Piper Sheldon Page 0,75
process.”
“Okay.” He moved to leaned against the wall, facing me.
I stayed facing forward. It would be easier not looking at him.
“I got it. I played the solo. That night Ariana went to the lake and drowned. She left a note. She was miserable.”
“Kim—”
“I know what you’re going to say. I didn’t kill her. She took her own life. It was just one solo. I understand that rationally—I do. But I was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My ambition. My cold hard ambition. For what? Just to play a freaking solo at a summer camp? Ridiculous.”
He reached out to rest a hand on my arm. “You can’t know why somebody takes their own life. It’s tragic and confounding, but it’s unknowable. You are not responsible.”
“She was me. I knew the stress she was under. I knew what it felt like to go after everything with blind ambition. I could have shown her kindness. I could have been her.”
He pushed my shoulder to turn me toward him. “You were a kid. Everybody at that age is completely stuck in their own head.”
“But …”
“And now you think your success will ultimately come at the cost of someone else?” he asked.
“It’s not sound reasoning.”
“We can’t help how our minds handle trauma.” He squeezed my shoulder. “We can’t help how we view things through our own lens of experience. We manufacture truths to keep ourselves safe. You fear doing well, making choices, because of one mistake. But you’re more than that one misjudgment. You’re so much more.”
“I feel so scared all the time. One wrong move and who will pay the price?” I squeezed my eyes close. I was so tired and lonely and scared.
“I can’t believe you’ve carried this around for so long. I understand now. About Carla and the solos. Why you’ve held yourself back.” He let out a low breath. He rubbed up and down my arm. I didn’t feel like I deserved comfort when I was the one that was here.
“I remember when that happened,” he said, referencing Ariana.
“You do?”
“I was already gone, but I’d heard all about it. Everybody saw how much pressure she was under. Her parents put so much on her shoulders. She was miserable. They found her journals after. Apparently, she’d been struggling for a long time. Nobody knew how bad it was.”
More pain tightened my chest. “I wish I’d offered her support. My parents never pushed me. I always pushed myself. The pressure she must have felt if she couldn’t imagine living …”
“She needed help. All of us felt partly responsible. Had we known, or asked, maybe things would have ended up differently.”
“Nobody knew,” I whispered to myself. Digesting all this terrible new information. “It’s so sad.”
“It is sad. But it is not your fault.” His voice was firm.
I would tell somebody the same thing. But it was because of me. I was that final straw. I pushed and pushed. I thought I was so totally untouchable. I was not a good person.
“How am I ever supposed to trust myself?”
“You aren’t malicious. Plenty of people go after their dreams without hurting people.”
“It was my ambition that drove it. I was going to be big. No matter what.”
“It was more than that. I know what greed looks like. I know when somebody takes at any costs for themselves. That’s not you. If you’ve been feeling this way for so long, it may be hard to hear all this. But it wasn’t your fault. She wasn’t happy. She took her life. You’re a good person. Playing well and with purpose won’t change that. You think you will want to be eighty years old knowing you were given a second chance at life and you wasted it?”
I winced but knew he was right. I wasn’t living. Rehab had been my wake-up call, but I wasn’t out of the woods yet.
“I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this way for so long. I’m sorry your guilt has marred reality. You’re kind and good. Embracing your talent won’t hurt anybody and hiding it sure as hell won’t change the past. Come here.”
He hugged me tightly. I squeezed him back.
“Thank you,” I said. It was though somebody had stopped standing on my chest and I could take a full breath again.
“Thank you for sharing with me.” He held me for a long moment before speaking again. His voice rumbled in my ear. “When people hear you play it brings them joy. That’s the light you give.”