Touched by Angels Page 0,93

single file past her. Mike's desk in the center of the room sat empty. Brynn found she couldn't look at it without experiencing a tremendous sense of loss.

Everyone appeared to be watching her, waiting for her to say something. Brynn walked to the front of the room. The silence was deafening.

"By now I'm sure you've all heard about Mike," she said, and was shocked at how thin her voice had become. She struggled with her composure. "Talking about it might do us all some good. Perhaps you can help me understand why Mike would take his own life?"

"It's stupid," Pearl Washington said.

"But Mike wasn't stupid," Brynn insisted. "When I could get him to express his feelings, I found his essays to be full of insight." She realized as she spoke how dark his writing was, how bleakly he saw the world. Then and now. Guilt swamped her senses. She should have seen it coming, should have realized how much pain he was in.

"He should have told someone," Emilio suggested.

"Who?" Brynn asked. "Told them what?"

"We weren't exactly his friends," Yolanda reminded everyone sadly.

"He didn't want no friends," Denzil insisted.

"Okay, so he wasn't Mr. Personality, but he wasn't so bad, you know."

"Are you sorry he's dead?" Brynn asked.

A chorus of regrets chimed back, and Brynn knew that the class was suffering just as she was. Mike had asked her to talk to Suzie, to help Suzie. What he hadn't realized was that they were all going to need help dealing with his death.

"He never let on, you know?" someone complained.

"I don't think he knew how to share his pain," Brynn suggested.

Yolanda started to cry. "It makes me mad."

"What does?" Brynn questioned, struggling not to weep herself.

"That he didn't give any of us a chance to tell him goodbye. When Modesto was shot it was bad, but this is worse because I feel like there was something I should have done, something I should have said. Maybe if I'd been friendlier, it would have helped."

"I don't think any of us had a clue how much emotional pain Mike was in," Brynn told them solemnly. "Death was obviously something Mike had been entertaining for a long time. It was wrong, and now each one of us is left with recriminations."

Brynn paused at the sharp pain in her chest. "I can't blame Mike, but I wish I'd known how much he was hurting. I might have been able to help him. Like Yolanda said, we never got a chance to say good-bye."

"I want to get in his face and make him listen to reason," one of the girls shouted. "He's hurt so many people."

"He was in pain himself."

"I wish I could talk to him."

"You can," Brynn whispered.

"But how?" Denzil asked. "It isn't like we can write him a letter."

"Why can't we?" Brynn asked, remembering how much writing had helped her deal with the death of her beloved grandmother five years earlier. "It's true Mike won't be reading it, but writing Mike might help each of us deal with the shock of what he did."

"Miss Cassidy's right."

Binders opened and spiral notebooks appeared as her students automatically reached for a fresh piece of paper. They did this without Brynn so much as asking.

The remainder of the time was spent writing Mike. Brynn wrote her own letter and found herself struggling to hold in the emotion as she placed feelings of doubt on the page. When she glanced up, she found several of her students were weeping.

Afterward, those who were willing read their letters aloud.

Emilio volunteered first. Looking shaken but determined, he faced the class. "Mike, don't do it, man. Don't do it." Then he slid back onto his seat.

Pearl stood beside her desk. "Why do I hurt so bad? I barely knew you, and yet I feel some responsibility for your death. You sat three desks away from me. Three desks and you couldn't reach that far? Three desks and I couldn't see your pain? I'm sorry, Mike. Forgive me."

Yolanda, tears streaming down her face, volunteered next. "Thank you, Mike, for what you taught me. I wasn't your friend, but I wish I had been. I never took the time to talk to you. But you touched my life. Never again will I sit in a classroom and not look around me. I wish I'd known how much pain you were in. I'd like to think you would have told me had I asked. Only I never asked. Next time will be different. Next time I'm going