for me – I’ve got to like the guy, but not so much that I’m actually going to fall for him. One hot night to keep my hormones in check, and then I get to give all my love and attention to Jazzy.’
‘But don’t you think sometimes it would be nice to have a partner? Someone equal to you, someone you can share things with?’
Lee leaned into her again. ‘I’ve got you for that.’
‘Aww,’ Mila grinned. ‘Maybe I should get a kid, then,’ she quipped. ‘Although you would think it’d put guys off.’
‘Surprisingly, no. That’s only if they think you’re looking for a surrogate father for them. Most of them can’t believe their luck when you tell them it’s “thank you, next”.’
‘That’s so depress—’ Mila stopped. ‘Wait, what do you mean, “most”? Not all?’
‘No, apparently not. I had a guy turn me down last weekend – because he wanted more!’ She gave a scoffing laugh but it was a thin, brittle sound. ‘He wanted to slow things down. Can you believe that?’
Mila was quiet for a moment. ‘You’re telling me this guy wanted more from you than just meaningless sex?’
Lee rolled her eyes wearily in reply. ‘I mean, please.’
‘What did you say to him?’
‘I told him straight – that I’m not in the market for that.’
‘. . . And what was his response?’
‘He left. Just left me standing there.’ She shrugged, picking at a slice of ginger cake herself. ‘I mean, what an idiot. No-strings sex is every man’s fantasy, right?’
Mila didn’t reply.
‘Right?’ Lee jogged her.
‘Well . . .’ Mila watched her, her face sliding into an apologetic grimace. ‘Is it, though? Or is it just that you think it is?’
Lee arched an eyebrow. ‘Hello? Earth to Mila? Have you ever met a man?’
‘Yes, but Lee, you’re this successful, independent, beautiful, strong woman. Men love you, of course they do. But your utter conviction that they want nothing more from you . . . Perhaps you make it so plain to them that nothing more will come of a hook-up that they don’t even try.’
‘I haven’t seen any of them crying on their way out.’
‘I doubt you’ve ever looked.’
‘Hey!’
‘Am I wrong? Tell me honestly, you can’t get them out of there fast enough. You never see anyone twice.’
Lee blanched at her friend’s truths. It had been a fatal mistake allowing Matt back again last night. But she’d just been so determined to prove Sam right, to get on with forgetting him. Which she was already doing.
‘Lee, has it ever occurred to you that you use Jasper as an excuse to avoid getting into a relationship? You’re always so adamant about having sex without love, no ties, but maybe you’re trying to avoid deeper feelings. You’re terrified of true intimacy. And before you say it,’ she said, holding up a hand as a stop sign, ‘no, I have not been reading Grazia again.’
Lee stared back through the window at the people on the little humped bridge outside, most of them stopping to look down at the thickening ice or take a selfie. Bikes were stacked four or five deep along the railings. It was perishingly cold, everyone in gloves and hats and bundled up with thick scarves, occasional fat flakes of snow fluttering down from on high. ‘Cunningham rang. Last night,’ she said after a moment.
‘Harry? But that’s great!’ She saw Lee’s expression. ‘Isn’t it? You were so upset at dinner the other night when you heard he’d left. What did he say?’
Lee sighed. ‘Practically nothing. We couldn’t manage a conversation. The line was so bad, we’d have had better luck with a piece of string and two plastic cups. I still have no idea of what the hell he’s up to.’
‘Oh no.’ Mila frowned. ‘Well, is he going to ring back?’
‘Don’t know,’ Lee shrugged. She had thought she might have heard from him again by now. She kept checking her phone every few minutes for missed calls.
‘Well, at least you know he’s safe; that’s something.’
Lee slid her gaze towards her friend’s cup, but no further. There was no point in explaining that safety there was momentary. He had been safe in those few moments as they each shouted down the line, trying to connect, but he could already be dead by now; he could have been dead within a minute of hanging up on her. He could have stepped on an IED. A building could have collapsed on him. A bullet could have ricocheted . . . ‘Maybe,’ was all