Third Life - Noelle Adams Page 0,50

your terms and then have me at your disposal for whenever you feel like indulging?”

“No, Gillian, that’s not—”

“Screw you, Richard Steele. Or whatever your real name is. Screw you and all your secrets and your detachment and your insistence on playing it safe. You think this is good for me? To be strung along by a man who offers me nothing but sex and champagne flutes? You think this is what I really want? Yes, I agreed to it. Yes, it was fun at the beginning. But I want more than this in my life, and I know I’m never going to get it from you. So I made the decision not to show up this weekend. So you should respect that.” I’m on a roll now. Really letting him have it.

His face is twisting with some sort of strong emotion. “Gillian, wait just a second. Let me—”

“I don’t need to let you do anything.” I don’t know why I’m not allowing him to speak. Maybe it’s because I’m terrified of what he’s about to say. What it might mean for me. “I’m trying to live my life. The life I want. And you don’t get to show up here and blow it all out of the water for me, just because you’re pissy that you’re not getting the sex you expected. Maybe you don’t realize this, but I want more than sex from a man. So I’m going to keep living my life and seeing if I can find a man who wants to give it to me. Who doesn’t need to control everything because he’s too scared to invest for real. That’s what I want. I want to invest. And—”

“Gillian!” The word is sharp and punctuated by his bringing both hands up to frame my face. “Gillian, listen to me for a minute.”

I blink, taken aback by the look in his eyes. He’s not angry like I am. He’s not even guilty. He looks almost—almost—excited. Fond and warm and excited.

“What?” I ask. Rather stupidly. “I was trying to say something.”

“I know you were. And you were absolutely right to say it. But if you listen to me for a minute, you might find some of it is unnecessary. Why the hell do you think I’m here?”

“What?” That’s me. Always completely incoherent at the very worst times.

He gives a huff and slides his hands down to my throat, holding my head gently. Like it’s precious to him. “Gillian, baby, why do you think I’m here? If I wanted to keep it no strings, I’d never have shown up here like this. I know it’s inappropriate. I know it’s not fair to you. But I can’t help it. I was there in Vermont, waiting for you. More and more crushed when you didn’t show up. I spent all night thinking about it. Thinking about you. Realizing what I’ve been doing.”

“You... you did?”

“Yes. I did. I understand why you didn’t come. And I understand why you went out with that guy, even though seeing him kiss you made me want to rip his head right off his body.”

My lips part at that. My mind is buzzing so intensely I’m genuinely afraid my brain might explode.

“I understand, Gillian. I haven’t been fair to you. I’ve been playing it safe. Trying to control it. The way I’ve done everything for years and years and... years. And I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to lose you because I’m afraid to offer you more. So I’m here.” He clears his throat and drops his eyes. It takes a few seconds before I realize that he’s actually self-conscious. Maybe even nervous. “What we’ve had is amazing. It’s honestly been the best thing in my life. The very best thing. But it’s no longer enough for me either. And I’d like to offer you more.”

I gape at him in astonishment. Now my heart is swelling as much as my head.

“If... if that’s what you want,” he adds, searching my face urgently.

I make a sound. Halfway between a laugh and a sob.

He frowns. “I don’t know what that means.”

The sound comes out again, longer and more sustained. I throw myself against his chest and hold on.

He lets out a long exhale that’s more of a soft groan, and he wraps his arms around me fiercely.

We stand like that for a long time on the sidewalk. Me shaking against him. Him holding me in a tight hug.

I’m not being silly about this. I know he