Third Chances (Men Of Manhattan #2) - Ivy Smoak Page 0,41

to think about the now. Much safer than the future. And definitely safer than the past.

"I'm good." I looked ahead at the tour. We were falling behind. "We should probably catch up with everyone."

Alina looked over her shoulder and then back at me. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay. I remember all those pictures in his room growing up. I know he wanted to come here."

I shook my head. If I had wanted to cry looking up at the canopy a minute ago, I definitely wanted to cry now. No matter how much time passed, the wound never seemed to heal. I distracted myself by pulling my hair into a ponytail, getting my hair off my neck which was sticky with sweat. But I didn't need to hide how I was feeling to Alina. She knew. She understood better than anyone else.

"It's so beautiful," I said. I blinked to remove the tears from my eyes. I wasn't going to cry. "He would've loved it."

Alina put her arm around my shoulders and we started walking toward the others. She didn't say anything because there was nothing to say. Her being next to me was what I needed. A constant reminder that I was never alone.

Kristen squealed up ahead as a monkey ran in front of her. "Did you see that?" she said as she turned back to us. "It almost attacked me."

Alina laughed and squeezed my shoulder once more before catching up with everyone else, leaving me behind. I felt that bitterness seeping back into me for a second. That feeling that I was falling behind. The feeling that I actually was alone. Stop it. Alina had been my best friend since elementary school. Just because she was getting married didn't mean she'd forget about me. Kristen still had time for me even though she was dating Tim. And Layla was married, yet she was still here.

I thought about my empty apartment back home. Everything perfectly organized. I was a huge believer of the motto that everything needs a place and everything should be in said place. But I was starting to wonder where I really belonged. In my apartment alone? In my life alone? Which made my mind wander back to what Rob had said to me. In a lot of ways he was right. I did feel like I was slipping behind. All my friends were moving forward in their lives and I was just stuck. I didn't know how to let loose and have fun. I didn't like giving up control. But he didn't know why. He didn't know how much I had lost. He didn't know how scared I was.

I winced at my own thoughts. Scared? That wasn't a strong enough word. I wasn't scared; I was terrified. Terrified of being left alone. Terrified of feeling loss. Because it almost drowned me the first time. I wasn't sure if I could handle it again. So I protected myself with my endless checklists and analyzing every little thing whenever I met someone I might like. I had to protect myself because no one else would. Not anymore.

I pushed a branch out of my way. The humidity was stifling. I jogged to catch up with my friends. I didn't want to think about what I had lost right now. And I certainly didn't want to think about Rob's stupid opinions. They didn't matter. He didn't know me.

"Rob really knows his Costa Rican geography," Kristen said when I caught up to them. They had all stopped. I joined them at the side of a pristine pool of water and glanced up at the beautiful waterfall. The scene was breathtaking. I stepped forward onto one of the rocks jutting out of the water. It was slippery with mist from the waterfall or the humidity of the air, but I kept my balance as I walked closer to the water.

I had seen much bigger waterfalls, but there was something more impressive about this one. The sound of the water crashing down combined with the noises of the rainforest was all consuming. I thought being in the middle of the rainforest was amazing, but this...I felt like I belonged here. Like I was being pulled toward the waterfall. I wanted to feel the water cascading down on me.

"Is it okay for us to swim?" I asked and turned back toward the tour guide.

Kristen had already taken off her clothes and was standing in her bikini. "Even if it wasn't, I'd go