Things We Didn't Say - By Kristina Riggle Page 0,93
instinct is to look at Jewel for confirmation of my story, but I glance away: she’s a child and should not be put on the witness stand.
And it doesn’t matter. I can see from Michael’s face he’s made up his mind about me.
“N-not true.”
We all turn in surprise to Dylan.
“I saw it. M-M-Mom told Jewel it didn’t matter, she could keep jumping.”
Jewel nods her head in the circle of Michael’s arms. “I’m sorry, Daddy,” she croaks out. “I didn’t know it would happen.”
Dylan screws up his face, concentrating on his next words. “Casey was awesome. A hero.”
“Oh, some hero!” shouts Mallory. “Some hero getting plastered when her stepson is missing, talking to her boyfriend on the phone, too.”
I should point out that I was not plastered while Dylan was missing, but late at night, after he was found, when everyone was asleep. I should point out that Tony is not my boyfriend.
I should point out I’ve just saved his daughter’s life, and the man I thought I’d marry has yet to thank me.
“She was awesome,” Dylan repeats, and I see his fists tighten. “You just stood there and s-s-stared.”
“I was afraid!”
“Y-y-you . . .” He stops, scrunches his eyes, and sucks in a breath. When he opens his eyes, he says with clarity and volume, “You were useless.”
“My own son turns on me, now. I get it. What about you, Angel, huh? You think Casey’s so much better than me?”
Angel folds her arms and tosses her hair, an echo of her mother. “She does have a boyfriend. I read it in her diary.”
Michael startles at this, visibly.
“Casey?”
He’s wounded again. He strokes Jewel’s hair, and in that moment it doesn’t look like he’s comforting her so much as soothing himself. Jewel looks at me sideways, her glasses crooked again.
They all stare at me, waiting. A fresh wave of nausea rolls through me, reminding me of my bender last night, of my history, of what I used to be that Angel and Mallory have opened up now.
I stare past them all outside, at the people clearing their driveways, tossing aside the snow.
I walk up the stairs slowly, feeling dreamlike and oddly serene. It’s an easy thing to retrieve my duffle bag, which was already packed. My computer is already inside, too. I’ve probably got angry clients trying to e-mail me, so I should go find some free WiFi soon.
My books and things I will let go. My clothes that I didn’t put in the bag can be replaced by one trip to Target.
It’s noisy downstairs, but I don’t really hear it. It sounds like a loud movie, muffled by the floor.
I pick up the picture from the top of the dresser, consider whether to take it. I place it facedown, instead. My ring slips off easily now, and I leave it on top of the overturned frame.
My vision is blurred as if through a scrim. I only recognize Michael by his size and shape as he blocks my path on the landing in the curve of the staircase. I nudge him aside, forcefully, when he won’t move at first.
I drift down the steps. The kids in my peripheral vision look like angels to me, out of focus and distant.
I should get my phone back, but I won’t. I’ll get a new one.
Change my e-mail, change my number, change my address. Maybe I’ll be Eddie again. I liked that nickname, better than Edna at least.
I stroke Jewel’s hair once before I go, cup her cheek for a moment, which still feels soft like baby skin, but that might be a trick of my senses, still clinging to the hope I’d had for a baby in this house.
There are voices, but they are babble to me.
I close the door and walk down the porch with a heavy step. The whole world seems muffled by the wet snow as I walk away, up the hill, turning east, then north again, then I stop paying attention because what difference does it make?
I’m not wearing my boots, so before long my feet are cold, my toes numb like the rest of me.
I walk, and smoke, past the Wealthy Street Bakery, full of happy weekend couples, past the Literary Life Bookstore, these landmarks I’d started to feel belonged to me, in my new life.
I have no phone, and no one knows where I am. Out of my numb haze comes a blast of giddiness. No one knows where I am!