They All Fall Down - Roxanne St. Claire Page 0,104

says his name, his dates of birth and death, and one simple word: Unforgettable.

I stare at the carved letters, then let my knees fold so I can sit on the grass next to him. I try to think of a joke or at least something witty, but my eyes are filling up, and heck, I’m not Conner. He always knew what to say.

“I miss you,” I whisper, closing my eyes to see his face. His square jaw, his laughing eyes, those big white teeth always exposed in a smile.

I wait to hear his voice, but there’s only a bird singing in the distance and a breeze in the bare trees. If only I could remember his voice.

“I want to give you something, Conner.” I reach under my hair and slip my nail into the necklace clasp. “I guess it’s more like I want to get rid of something.”

I let the necklace fall onto the grass, then lean over and cup my hand to dig a small hole in the dirt by the stone. “Some things need to be buried,” I say. “Regret, second guesses, doubts, and guilt. I want them buried forever so that I can stop thinking about me when I think about you.”

The words make me smile. I never realized that was what was bothering me the most. Memories of my brother were so clouded and crowded by self-hatred that I could never just enjoy the life he had.

“We got the bad guys, Conner,” I add, leaning over his grave to run my fingers over the word Unforgettable.

But that’s not what I came here to talk about. I’m here to let go of my guilt and start a new relationship with my brother. Instead of feeling only pain, I want to remember him as the amazing boy he was.

“You probably wouldn’t like my boyfriend,” I say to him. “Not until you get to know him.” I blow out a breath and think of all the things I want to tell him, finally free to come here and not imagine him watching and blaming. “Oh, and guess what? Because all those FBI agents had to go through your room and all your stuff, Mom’s decided to put the house on the market and she and Dad are going to get another one together. Isn’t that—”

“Kenzie!”

I turn at the sound of Levi calling me, pushing myself up and brushing off dirt to see him and Molly standing by my car talking to two men.… No, that’s not a man. That’s Josh Collier, who I haven’t seen since the night I left him on his lawn three weeks ago.

I put my hand on my chest, stunned by the sight of him. We’d been told he was in special custody and working with the FBI, but that’s all I’ve heard. Of course, the vacuum of information surrounding the events has been suffocating. All those deaths and not one of them has been in the news as murder.

The FBI gagged us. No one knows the truth about all those accidents except a few of us, and for some reason, that’s how the authorities want it. I squint into the sunlight and look at the other man in dress clothes. Speaking of the FBI … I can now spot a fed from a mile away. Levi gestures for me to come down and I hold up my hand to let him know I will.

Turning back to Conner’s grave, I sigh. “I need to go, big bro.” I reach my hand out as if I can touch him, my heart aching for one last hug. “I’m happier now and I hope you are, too.” I take a few steps away and turn back once more, still waiting for the sound of his voice in my head. His baritone. His laugh. His constant talking. After fourteen years of hearing Conner’s voice, why can’t I remember it?

But I can’t hear anything. “I love you, Conner.”

The only answer is the wind. I jog down to the car, unable to take my eyes off Josh. He looks bigger, stronger, bolder. His jaw is set and his eyes look angrier than I can ever remember. Well, except when he was beating the crap out of his father.

He doesn’t nod or acknowledge me when I reach the car, but the older man holds out his hand. Light hair and gold-rimmed glasses give him a more intellectual look than the average FBI agent.

“Salve,” he says in greeting, pronouncing it correctly, with the