when I saw Alice and Joe together, how it had seemed like everyone in the world could be happy, could have someone for their own, except for me.
But now I had Jude. I didn’t have to be lonely, ever again. So why did it feel as if I was?
Adam’s voice jerked me out of my thoughts. ‘My friend’s been travelling with her other half. She’s been in Australia for almost a year and now they’re back, and I wanted to organise something. Like a welcome-home thing. Josh and me organised a surprise birthday party for her a while back, and she loved it. So I thought it would be kind of traditional, you know?’
It had never occurred to me that Adam might have friends. I mean, obviously he had a life outside of the world of the game, and a job and everything, but he’d never struck me as a person who’d book out an entire pub for a party. I didn’t have that many friends myself, I thought.
‘You’ll need to ask Alice. She’s in charge of that kind of thing. Well, she’s in charge of everything really. But I’m sure it will be fine. She’ll give you a price per head or a minimum spend or whatever.’
‘Great.’ Adam hesitated, and then he went on, ‘Could we do, like, an Australian theme? With the food and stuff?’
‘I don’t see why not. Shrimp on the barbie, and…’ That was pretty much the extent of my knowledge.
‘Lamingtons?’ Adam suggested.
‘Shrimp on the barbie and Lamingtons. Whatever those are. Got you.’
Our eyes met and we laughed.
‘Pies and gravy?’ Adam suggested. ‘That’s a thing, isn’t it?’
‘I’ve got no idea. I’ll have to google. But we’ll come up with something, don’t worry.’
‘Great,’ Adam said again.
There was a pause, and I thought he might be about to say something else – I even saw him take a deep breath like he was going to. But he just said he’d see me next week, slung his bag over his shoulder and strolled out into the night, and I had a final check of the kitchen and went upstairs to the flat to find Jude.
He was on the sofa, slouched down low so his hips were right on the edge of the cushions and his chin on his chest, his long legs stretched out in front of him, reading a book called Engines of Privilege. Frazzle was on the bed, one eye open, waiting to see if there was any chance of a last and final snack before bed.
‘Hey, beautiful,’ Jude said, not raising his eyes from the page. ‘Okay day?’
‘Yeah, it was good,’ I replied brightly. ‘How was yours?’
‘Bloody knackering. I was just about to call it a night.’
I thought longingly of bed – and sleep. But I’d promised Dani – and, more importantly, myself – that I was going to do this. One last throw of the dice: the idea made me think of Adam, his long fingers dropping the many-sided dice on the table, determining our fate. If he was rolling now, would it be a one, a twenty, or something in between?
But this wasn’t up to Adam or a dice. It was up to me.
‘I’m just going to jump in the shower,’ I said. ‘How about lighting some candles?’
‘Candles?’ Jude looked at me blankly, like I’d suggested summoning a string quartet to entertain us for what was left of the evening.
‘Sure. You know, ambience.’
‘And a fire hazard,’ Jude grumbled, but he got up from the sofa and I heard him rummaging around on a shelf looking for matches as I closed the bathroom door behind me, having snatched up the ASOS carrier bag I’d stashed behind the door that morning.
Ten minutes later, I was standing in front of the slightly fogged-up bathroom mirror, looking at my reflection with a mixture of wonder and embarrassment. I was a bralette and boy shorts kind of person. I’d hardly ever in my life owned anything you could describe as lingerie. Perhaps I could have started off slowly, with something tasteful in oyster-coloured silk, but I’d decided that if I was going to do this thing, I was going to do it properly.
The result was a black, multi-strapped bra (although whether it was actually worthy of the name – given its cups comprised three strips of elastic that criss-crossed my breasts, meeting in the middle and just about covering my nipples but leaving nothing else to the imagination – was another matter), and a matching thong that left my