have to accept that Frazzle was my first priority, and if they didn’t like that they’d be out on their ear.
‘Tell me about it.’ Robbie rolled his eyes. ‘Okay, one pic with the cat. But only one. And he’d better not be making that face he does.’
‘What face?’
‘The one that’s like, “I see you. I know you forgot to send your mum a card for Mothering Sunday and told her it must have got lost in the post. I know you washed your hair with Fairy Liquid once for a whole week because you were too skint to buy shampoo. I can tell you eat Pot Noodle sandwiches when you’re hungover.” You know what I mean. That face.’
‘But all cats look like that.’
‘God. How do you ever manage to have sex with him watching you?’
I wasn’t going to tell Robbie that since Frazzle had come into my life I’d had sex precisely zero times, so I kept schtum.
‘Right, it’s almost eight thirty,’ I said instead. ‘We’d better get our skates on.’
‘Not so fast, young lady,’ Robbie countered. ‘We’re going to get that Tinder profile of yours set up right now, before you chicken out.’
‘But I should prep the mango for the smoothies.’
‘Did it last night; it’s in the fridge.’
‘How about the celeriac soup for lunch?’
‘The veg is already done, and it’ll take half an hour to cook. Come on, Zoë, if you don’t crack on I’ll take your phone off you and do it myself. “Flame-haired temptress seeks Jared Leto lookalike for nights of passion. Must be hung like a moose.” And I’ll set the password so you can’t change it.’
When I’d taken Robbie on as my sous-chef, I’d been very clear that I believed in a collaborative working environment, and there’d be no hierarchical management structure in my kitchen. But now, the urge to pull rank on him was stronger than it had ever been.
I resisted it, though. ‘Okay, okay, I’ll do it.’
I tapped my phone, creating a new account in record time before I could change my mind, using Frazzle’s name as a password even though I knew it wasn’t particularly secure. If some random wanted to hack into my online dating, they were most welcome – a Russian bot would probably do less damage than my colleague, who was hanging over my shoulder offering advice.
‘Your profile needs to stand out, Zoë. Be funny but not try-hard. And don’t say you like nights out and nights in.’
‘I can’t remember what a night out even is any more. How about this?’
I passed him my phone and he read aloud from the screen. ‘“Me: Aquarian, vegan, feminist. I care about the planet and creating a more equal society. Looking for a like-minded Virgo.” You can’t say that.’
‘Can’t say what?’
‘That stuff about being a feminazi social justice warrior.’
‘Why not? I’m allowed to want to date someone who cares about the same stuff I do, right? And don’t say feminazi – it’s highly offensive on all sorts of levels.’
‘Sorry. But seriously, you’ll scare ninety-nine per cent of blokes off before you’ve even started. And given you’re already ruling out the ninety-one per cent of them who are the wrong star sign, you can’t afford to do that, can you?’
‘But it’s only temporary. I’m going to work my way through the whole zodiac until I find the right person.’
‘Even so. Come on, I know what I’m doing here. Trust me.’
‘Okay… Do your thing.’
Five minutes later, Zoë, 27, London’s profile was live. It described her as a fiery redhead with abs of steel and killer knife skills, and quite frankly she sounded absolutely terrifying. Robbie and I had been through my photos and selected three: one of me cuddling Frazzle (in which he, too, looked kind of terrifying, even I had to admit, making Robbie tell me darkly not to say he hadn’t warned me); one of me in the gym (in which some trick of the light did actually manage to make me look like my abs were half decent); and one of me taken when I was working in Paris, with the Eiffel Tower in the background. (I’d objected to that on the grounds that my hair was all frizzy and I had a spot right next to my nose, but Robbie insisted it made me look well travelled and sophisticated, and I had to relent because he’d let me have the abs one.)
‘Good to go,’ he said. ‘Look, someone’s swiped right on you already. Strong work.’