Did he expand his chest with oxygen, then take the leap? I was such a shitty friend. I needed to breathe, not fuck up his rocky relationship with Blakely. “I’m not an idiot. I spoke with her social worker. I know she’s bullshitting me.”
Well, that surprised me. Lance was a hopeless optimistic. It’s why people took advantage of him so easily. “You knew?” I asked.
“I’m more surprised you knew,” Lance replied. “You’ve been against her being here since day one. And I get it. Some wayward sister comes out of the woodwork, and you want to protect me. This isn’t some survivor’s guilt bullshit. I genuinely want a relationship with my sister. Anyone that can put up with what she’s endured is someone I want in my life. Not once has she asked for anything. I practically had to beg her to trust me. And now I can’t help but feel like I’m doing everything wrong.”
I wanted to tell him that it was me doing everything wrong, but the words were lodged in my throat. I refused to let them break free. “So if you knew her ma was a piece of shit, why try to bring that bitch back to life with all these gestures?”
Lance let out a sigh. “I’m not trying to bring her back. I have an amazing mom. Maybe it’s wrong, but I didn’t feel anything when I heard my birth mother was dead. I don’t have grief for a woman I never knew. She gave me a better life by giving me up. I’m sad at the time I missed with Blakely. I’m sad she didn’t have the life I did. Getting her to talk about herself was like pulling at splinters. She seemed to want to give me something in return for staying here rent free, so when she gave me that photo, all I saw was a way in. I was hoping we could recreate all the bad shit in her life and make it something positive and…ours.”
It all suddenly made sense. The roses. The truth. The carnival and photo. It was never about Blakely’s mom. I was so busy peeling back Blakely’s layers that I didn’t stop to check in with Lance. He was obviously scrambling to make this work. He’s been doing everything he could, and I was too busy focusing on myself to realize what was going on. It was a misguided approach, but it made me feel proud.
“Why not instead of trying to change past hurts, you create new memories? Take her to work. Ask about her. You’re bonding over something she wants to forget. The only way to start something new is to stop reliving the past. I get that you were grasping for straws in the beginning, but she’s opening up, or at least I thought she was.”
I was pissed that she left. Not for the same reasons as Lance, obviously. But I didn’t like how she ran mere hours after something so…so…so…
Intense. Her kiss had awakened something within me outside of the wrongness of what we did. I’d never felt so alive. It was one of those kisses you could feel everywhere. And even if it couldn’t happen again, I was still moved by it.
Lance nodded. “You’re right. And I fully plan on doing that. How do you know about this?” he asked, and I knew I’d have to tread carefully. He was eyeing me with that look, the one that could read between the lines.
“We talk sometimes. I pull the information out of her. Don’t take her to a dance hall,” I blurted out, wanting to change the subject with something that would shock Lance so he’d stop prodding me. I was such a major disappointment. I needed to own up like a man and not cheapen my obsession with smoke and mirrors; I just didn’t know how.
“Why?”
“Last time her mom took her to one, she got felt up. She hates it.”
Lance gritted his teeth in rage. “And carnivals?”
I let out a shaky breath. “Not really a fan of those either, though she really seemed to have a good time last night.” I swallowed. Well, I hoped she’d enjoyed last night. No. No, no, no.
No.
“Fuck.” Lance flexed his muscles before picking up his phone and calling her again. It went straight to voicemail. “Look, I appreciate you trying to help with Blakely, but I’ve got this. I want her to feel safe opening up to me. We’ve had each other’s backs my entire life, but