now, and we’re making it work. But it’s really sucked.”
“I think ‘really sucked’ is too much of an understatement. It’s ‘fucking sucked,’ ” my dad says, and he half smiles, and I can’t help it, I smile back. He hates foul language; if this had been two years ago, there’s no way he would have used the F-word. “Okay, you can still be mad at me. Fair enough. But you can’t stop talking to me again. I can’t take that. I miss telling you something that happened each day. I’ve been writing things down so I could tell you when you started talking to me again. And we need to start spending time together.”
“Eww, no. I’m sixteen. I can’t hang out with my father.” I smile as I say it. I miss my dad, probably even more than he misses me. “That’s, like, so uncool.”
“Let me give you one bit of parental advice, if I may. Cool is way overrated.”
“Says the guy wearing the plastic name tag.”
“Touché.”
“You love her, don’t you?” I ask, apropos of nothing, but it’s not, not really.
“Rachel? Yeah, I do. I mean, I leapt in a little fast, and we’re figuring out the kinks, but yeah, I love her. But that doesn’t mean—” I smile at him, bat away his words. He doesn’t need to finish his sentence. I’m not a child anymore. I know that how he feels about her has nothing to do with me. Or my mom, for that matter.
I know that love is not finite.
And also this: I’ll be leaving for college in less than two years. A part of me will be relieved to know he’s not alone.
“I get it.”
My dad looks around again, breathes in the paper smell.
“Mom would have loved this place. Even its silly name. Though probably not the exclamation point.”
“I know.”
“I love you, sweet potato.”
“I know.”
My phone bleeps. Text from Scarlett.
Scarlett: Holy shit. We did it.
Me: Seriously? It-it?
Scarlett: Yup.
Me: And?
Scarlett: I give us a 7, maybe an 8, which isn’t bad for the first time. Hurt a little. And the whole condom thing was tricky, trickier than with a banana, and it was awkward, you know? But still. Good. I think we’ll do it again in a minute.
Me: WHERE ARE YOU?
Scarlett: In the bathroom. Had to tell you right away, and had to pee, so I’m multitasking.
Me: So ADAM IS STILL IN YOUR BED?!?!
Scarlett: Yup.
Me: Did you just emoji me?
Scarlett: What can I say? I have it bad. Starting the pill next week to be totally covered.
Me: So happy for you, you little slut!
Scarlett: Love you.
Me: Love you too. xoxo. Tell Adam congrats from me.
“What are you smiling at?” my dad asks, since I am, apparently, grinning goofily at my phone. Scar lost her V-card! I want to say it out loud because it’s so exciting and I’m so happy for her, but no, no I won’t.
“Nothing. Just something funny from Scar.”
“Her mom says she has a boyfriend,” my dad says, and I laugh, picturing Mrs. Schwartz and my dad gossiping about Scar and Adam.
“Yeah.”
“She’s really dating Adam Kravitz? He was always a little shrimpy.”
“He’s been working out.”
“Good for them.”
“They’re happy.”
“Any guys in your life?”
“Dad,” I say, and blush. Realize that even if I wanted to tell my dad about Ethan, about SN, about all of it, it would be too confusing and complicated.
“Right,” he says. “Remember when you were little we used to ask you how you got so big so fast, and you used to say ‘I growed!’?”
My dad looks at his hands, which are not holding a phone like mine are, and have nothing to work out the nervous energy. My parents used to talk about my childhood all the time—start stories with “Remember?” and then tell me about something I used to do, and then they would smile at each other, like it had nothing to do with me, as if to say Look what we pulled off.
I shake my head. I don’t remember.
“Well, sweetheart. You’ve really growed. I’m sorry I haven’t been here. But I’m so proud of you. And your mom would be too. You know that, right?”
Do I know that? I know she wouldn’t be not proud, which is not the same thing as proud. I’m not sure I’m ready to think about her that way yet, to wrap my head around the “would be” part.
“Yeah,” I say, mostly because of his empty hands and his name tag and the look on his face. It could be that this adjustment has