It was the Chalice. I knew it the moment I touched it.”
“Were you concerned about drinking from it?” he asks.
“How could I be? I was in such a state of peace, of perfect love. I knew no harm would come to me. And I was right. As soon as the liquid touched my lips, I was back at the mouth of the cave with you and the owl. And once again, I just… knew. I knew what to say. I knew how to break Judgment’s hold on you.”
Doc’s eyes flicker with pain, and then warmth, shining with new emotion as he traces the line of my jaw. “You told me to come back to you. That it wasn’t real. I could smell you. I could feel your touch.”
“The mark on your chest faded. You finally opened your eyes, and you drew me close. You kissed me. That’s the last thing I remember before… well, before I woke up just now.”
“Goddess, what a marvel,” he says, his voice heavy with awe. “How is it that we had such different experiences? Such different visions? I swear I thought he was going to end us both, Stevie. There was so much blood…”
“I can’t pretend to understand the dream realm. Every time I visit, intentionally or not, it’s different. But my gut tells me it’s got something to do with love and forgiveness.”
“How do you mean?”
“Dark Judgment preys on our deepest regrets. He mines our memories, panning for guilt instead of gold. And when he finds it, he twists and amplifies it like a weapon. It’s the ultimate mental manipulation, and it works, because in all of his twisted machinations, there’s a kernel of truth. Like, logically I know that I’m not responsible for my parents’ deaths. But still, that kernel is there. The fact is, if I’d stayed with them on the trail, if I hadn’t argued with them and stomped off on my own, we would’ve been out of the canyons before the flood hit.”
“Stevie, you can’t—”
“Blame myself. I know. If we’d left on time, they could’ve just as easily died in a car crash on the drive home. The point is, the kernel is there. For Kirin, it’s his guilt over something that happened with his family a decade ago. Baz too. Ani blames himself for his parents’ divorce. And you…” I close my eyes, not wanting to root around in Doc’s past. He just told me about Elizabeth last night. And I still don’t know how his brother died, but obviously, there are plenty of ghosts haunting him. “The point is, the more guilt and shame we carry, the easier it is for Judgment to hurt us. I think that’s why Baz is so torn up right now. Whatever happened in his past was so terrible, he can’t see his way through it yet. So Judgment still has a hold on him. Whereas Kirin is starting to open himself up to reconnecting with his sister. I suspect that’s why he’s not having the same side effects as Baz—at least not as intensely.”
“And what about you, my Star?” he asks softly. “Have you forgiven yourself?”
“I… no. Not entirely. I’m not even sure if that’s totally possible. But I’m getting closer, Doc. Truly. And that’s the thing… Before we found that cave, when you ripped the dress?”
“I’m sorry but it needed to go.”
“Yes, it did. And you helped me get rid of it last night—that’s my point. You literally tore it off my body, but it was more than that. You helped me feel worthy. You helped me trust my own magick, my own light. It was a small step, but an important one. And for the rest of the dream, I never once encountered Judgment. I didn’t relive my past tragedies and guilt. I felt only love and peace, only a deep inner knowing. I don’t think Judgment can mess with that.”
“All we need is love,” he teases gently. “That’s what you’re saying?”
“Not exactly. I mean, a kickass magickal army would also help.” I let out a soft sigh. “I don’t know, Doc. We’ve still got a long road ahead of us. We don’t know the Magician’s full plan, and if Janelle and Casey proved anything, it’s that any witch or mage in our vicinity could be working for him—either intentionally or under coercion. Outside, cities have fallen under military rule, and witches can’t even light a stick of incense anymore for fear of being accused of terrorism. I’m not naive