pray, and we will never hurt each other. I can reach for your hands in the dark. You can call out to me, and I’ll answer.
But what if something new could happen? Something wholly new? I think I see it, I think I imagine…. But then it escapes me.
I don’t have the answer.
I know I shall never trouble your red-haired witch, Mona. I shall never trouble any of your powerful women. Many centuries have passed since lust or hope has tricked me into that adventure.
I am alone, and if I am cursed, I’ve forgotten it.
I like my empire of small, beautiful things. I like the playthings that I offer to the world. The dolls of a thousand faces are my children.
In a small way they are my dance, my circle, my song. Emblems of eternal play, the work perhaps of heaven.
Thirty-one
AND THE DREAM repeats itself. She climbs out of bed, runs down the stairs. “Emaleth!” The shovel is under the tree. Who would ever bother to move it?
She digs and digs, and there is her girl, with the long slack hair and the big blue eyes. “Mother!”
“Come on, my darling.”
They’re down in the hole together. Rowan holds her, rocking her. “Oh, I’m so sorry I killed you.”
“It’s all right, Mother dear,” she says.
“It was a war,” Michael says. “And in a war, people are killed, and then afterwards …”
She woke, gasping.
The room was quiet beneath a faint drone of heat from the small vents along the floor. Michael slept beside her, his knuckles touching her hip as she sat there, hands clasped to her mouth, looking down at him.
No, don’t wake him. Don’t put him through the misery again. But she knew.
When all the talk was over and done with, when they’d had their dinner and their long walk through the snowy streets, when they’d talked till dawn and breakfasted and talked some more and vowed their eternal friendship, she knew. She should never never have killed her girl. There was no reason for it.
How could that doe-eyed creature, who had comforted her so, in that kindly voice, milk spilling from her breasts, hhhmmm, the taste of the milk, how could that trembling creature have hurt anyone?
What logic had made her lift the gun, what logic had made her pull the trigger? Child of rape, child of aberration, child of nightmare. But child still….
She climbed out of the bed, finding her slippers in the dark, and reaching for a long white negligee on the chair, another one of these strange garments which filled her suitcase, full of the perfume of another woman.
Killed her, killed her, killed her, this tender and trusting thing, full of knowledge of long-ago lands, of valley and glen and plains and who knew what mysteries? Her comfort in the dark, when she’d been tied to the bed. My Emaleth.
A pale white window was hung in the darkness at the far end of the hallway, a great rectangle of glowing night sky, light spilling on the long path of colored marble.
To that light she moved, the negligee ballooning out, her feet making a soft skittering tap on the floor, her hand out for the button of the elevator.
Take me down, down, down to the dolls. Take me out of here. If I look from that window, I’ll jump. I’ll open the glass, and I’ll look out over the endless lights of the largest city in the world, and I’ll climb up and put my arms out, and then I’ll drop down into the ice-cold darkness.
Down, down, down with you, my daughter.
All the images of his tale went through her mind, the sonorous timbre of his voice, his gentle eyes as he spoke. And she is now debris beneath the roots of the oak, something erased from the world without a jot of ink upon a piece of paper, without a hymn sung.
The doors closed. The wind sounded in the shaft, that faint whistling, like wind in mountains perhaps, and as the cab descended, a howling as if she were in a giant chimney. She wanted to crumple and fall on the floor, to go limp without will or purpose or fight anymore, just to sink into the darkness.
No more words to say, no more thoughts. No more to know or to learn. I should have taken her hand, I should have held her. So easy it would have been to keep her, tender, against my breasts, my darling, my Emaleth.