Talking Dirty with the CEO - By Jackie Ashenden Page 0,63
passionate and brave.
“I meant them, Christie. I meant every word.”
The vulnerability drained away, brightness filling her expression.
Man, she had to know. He’d told her about the ADHD, a little piece of truth about himself. But she needed to know what it meant. What the consequences were.
He pushed a hand through his hair, the familiar antsy, restless feeling moving through him. “Don’t,” he said softly. “Don’t go making me into someone I’m not.”
“What do you mean?”
“You think I’m some kind of sensitive, wonderful guy, who makes you feel good and special and perfect? Well, you’re wrong.”
“But you do make me feel those things.”
He stepped toward her, looking down into her face. Wanting her to see. To know the truth. “Yes, I make you feel those things now. But in ten minutes, I’ll have found something new to distract me. Someone else to interest me.” He paused. “I’m not someone you want to count on, Christie. I’m unreliable, distractible, and I get bored very, very easily.”
Christie stared at him for a long moment, then abruptly her lashes fell, veiling her gaze. “I see.” A tight voice. “So, what? In a week or so, you’ll have gotten bored of me? Is that what you’re trying to say?”
Now. It had to be now.
“Christie, I’m trying to tell you that I can’t be what you want me to be. I can’t be your boyfriend. I can’t be your anything. This affair between us? It has to end.”
Slowly the color drained out of her face. “What? Why? What did I do?”
“You didn’t do anything.”
“Then why does it have to end?”
“Because I’ll only end up hurting you. Like I hurt Jude.”
“Because you missed a birthday? Hey, I don’t care about my stupid birthday. I wouldn’t give a crap if you missed mine.”
He wanted to pull her to him. Never let her go. But he couldn’t. She had to know the unvarnished truth of what he was. “It’s not just one birthday, Christie. It’s years of missed birthdays. Years of being stood up. Years of being ignored.”
“I could make you pay attention.”
“No, honey. No, you couldn’t. Not if I didn’t want to.”
“So is that why you’ve been ignoring my texts for the past three days? My calls? Because you didn’t want to pay attention?”
“No. It’s because I procrastinate sometimes. Especially with doing things that are hard.”
“So this is hard for you?”
More painful truth. “Yeah. Like I said, I don’t want to hurt you.”
Her jaw set, evidence of the determination he so admired in her. Then she walked toward him. He let her come, realizing she was going to touch him, bracing himself for it.
And sure enough she reached him, put her arms around him. Pressed her body against his. “So don’t hurt me then.”
All his muscles had gone tight with the need to enfold her in his arms. Kiss her beautiful mouth. Hold her. But he couldn’t. The only thing he could do was protect her.
From him.
Gently he unwound her arms from around his neck and stepped away, steeling himself against the hurt that crossed her face as he did so.
“Joseph,” she said.
“No, Christie. I’ve made my decision.”
“And what about me? Do my feelings not count at all?”
God, didn’t she understand? Her feelings counted. They counted for everything. Which is why he had to do this.
“Of course they do. Why do you think this has to come to an end? I can’t do relationships, Christie, I’ve never been able to.”
“Why not?”
“Why not? Didn’t you listen? It’s not just birthdays and stood-up dates. I get bored. I get distracted. I fixate. At the moment I’m fixated on you but in another week, another month, I won’t be. I’ll lose interest. And then you’ll find I won’t pay attention to you anymore. I won’t listen. I’ll stand you up. Other things will suddenly become way more important than you.”
Christie stared at him, her brow wrinkled, clearly trying to understand. “But you said you manage that kind of thing.”
“Yeah, I manage it. But that’s all.” He stood back. “I can’t stop being this way, Christie, and I won’t suddenly get better. This is who I am. Do you understand?”
She swallowed. “I…I think so. I can handle it, Joseph.”
“Can you? Can you really?” It felt like there was an elephant sitting on his chest, squeezing out all the air. Pressing against his heart. “What happens if six months down the track I suddenly turn to you and tell you I don’t want to see you anymore? That I’m bored with you. Could