She blinked and drew back, watching me carefully with rounded eyes
Whoa, good going there, putz.
“You don’t have to say anything. I just—in the moment it felt like I had to get that out.”
My chest tightened, heart racing, palms sweaty. Classic fight-or-flight reactions.
Her eyes widened. “Lucas?”
I swallowed. Was it harder to breathe in here or was it just me?
“Lucas? Are you in there? Are you okay?”
My eyes darted up at her. “I, uh, I think I’m going to take Max for a walk. I need to think.”
She rolled her lips into her mouth, biting at them, then nodded. “Okay, heaven knows he’ll be thrilled.” In fact the dog, having heard that W-word came trotting up to me, tail wagging expectantly. We’d just been out, but he was a greedy bastard and apparently wanted more.
I grabbed his leash and clipped it to his collar. Katya followed me out into the front room on my way out the door. “Before you go…”
I stopped and turned to her, waiting.
“I want to say that there’s no pressure for you. I mean… take all the time you need. We can wait to talk about it until you’re ready.”
Fuck. Would I ever be ready to have that conversation with her?
I grunted something at her and left with the dog, pounding down the sidewalk faster than normal. Max was a little annoyed he couldn’t stop and sniff every tree, but he trotted along obediently to keep up.
If I’d only stuck to the rules with her—those carefully laid-out rules—we would be fine right now. Nothing like this would have happened.
Yeah, right. Because that was how hearts worked. Goddamn it.
I had no idea how hearts worked but I did know that I couldn’t do this again. I couldn’t disappoint her and I inevitably would because the past had proven that I sucked at being a husband.
In addition, there was no way I could face being disappointed by her, if it so happened.
Not that I thought she’d do to me what Claire did. But—and this was a big but—once this thing between her and I failed, and it inevitably would, I could not imagine what that would do to me.
The pieces I’d had to pick up after Claire and the whole fallout from the family drama…. Those were nothing compared to what it would do to me to lose Kat that way. I was jogging now, and I glanced down at Max who happily kept up.
Max had been part of my therapy, part of my getting better. I’d gone to see a counselor during those first few months after leaving my family home and setting myself up at a new university. It had taken time to heal and in some ways I still hadn’t. Taking care of the puppy had helped. And I was grateful that Max had been there for me and was still here for me.
Why hadn’t I just stuck to the original plan? The plan that had meant to keep us at a distance, that had seen us parting on friendly terms.
Yeah, I’d fucked up the rules, but it was time we went back to them. We’d always had an expiration date, Kat and I. So things wouldn’t go down in flames.
So that we’d still be able to maintain some modicum of a friendship after this. So that we’d be able to be productive work colleagues. So that I wouldn’t hurt her as I inevitably would. This had to end like it had been planned.
Even as I said that to myself, my trainers hitting the sidewalk with regular thumps, I knew it was a lie. When I told myself there were no feelings to return, I knew that was a lie. When I said that Katya meant no more to me than a trusted and respected colleague…. It was a lie.
Was it love? Who knew? I didn’t believe I was even capable. Love wasn’t for me. Marriage sure as fuck wasn’t for me.
She was back in her game room for most of the night. I ate dinner on my own and I wasn’t sure she ate at all or what was going through her head. But like a coward, I avoided approaching her and just left her to do her thing. And I did mine.
The way it was always meant to be.
In the morning, when we got ready and went to work, as agreed, she was kind and cordial. It was almost like we hadn’t had the previous unfinished conversation. Almost. Something