whenever I need to this weekend. Even if it’s two in the morning. I did rehab because I got a DUI. My license is suspended. That’s why I can’t drive myself to these meetings.” Her shoulders slumped as if remembering all that suddenly was making her sad.
“But you’re doing great work,” I encouraged. “Over a month sober is amazing.”
She nodded, fingering the chip again. “Thirty-five days, to be exact. It’s a work in progress. But as far as Mother and Father are concerned, that’s the end of it. That’s all I needed to do to ‘fix’ myself. They just don’t get it. No one here does.”
“I’m here. I know we don’t know each other very well but I can be your support. And your brother—”
She held up her palm to me. “Do not tell Lucas. Please.”
“Oh,” I turned my head to gaze at her and she looked a little panicked. “Don’t worry. I’m good for my word. I won’t tell him. But I think he’d definitely be supportive. He’d also be proud of you.”
She let out a long sigh and turned to look back out the window. “Yeah, well, that might have once been the case but we haven’t been close in a long time.”
I had zero idea what to say to that so I just turned my attention back to the road. If she wanted to continue the conversation, she would.
And it didn’t take long for her to do just that. “So do you mind if I ask who you attended Al-Anon for?”
I hesitated for only a split second. She’d spilled so much to me. I might as well return the favor.
“I went because of my brother. And our parents aren’t too different from yours.” Minus all the bank accounts stuffed with money, I didn’t add aloud. “They want it all to go away without really doing the work for it. But he only paid lip service to the program when he attended.” I didn’t want to go into detail about the numerous times he had stopped and started. Along with other attempts at recovery—all of them empty promises on his part.
Recovery was hard. It was something that had to be fought for and Derek had never had to fight for anything ever in his life.
“Did your parents attend with you?”
I shook my head. “I did it for myself, actually. I was starting to feel resentful toward him.”
She nodded as she dug around in her bag for her phone, then pulled it out, checked the screen and put it down. “Did it help?”
I shrugged. “Yeah, a bit. Family relationships are tough to begin with. Adding addiction into the mix…”
She sighed. “Yeah, exactly the reason I can’t really face talking to my brother about it.”
I nodded. “You might find he won’t judge you the way you think.”
“Yeah, well.” She shrugged. “I’m actually envious of him. He was the smart one. Everyone keeps blaming his mental state at the time but he did what he had to do, jumping out of all this crap before it could trap him. He remade his life so he wouldn’t have to change himself to conform into this one.”
“Surely it’s not too late for you to do the same thing.”
After a pause. “Maybe not.”
I seethed on her behalf for the rest of the ride home. For the lack of support from both her parents and her friends. How come people’s dysfunction and dependency were so much more welcome than their fight to live their best lives?
It reminded me that such was the case for my parents as well. But instead of doing the work, they wanted me to pay the price to protect Derek. It was always about coddling and protecting Derek. About arranging all of our lives around the monster that had him clutched in its talons. Derek was an addict and until he made the decision himself to do what needed to be done, there was nothing they or I could ever do to change that. And in the meantime, we’d just progressively ruin our own lives to stumble around after him and be there to catch him when he fell.
I’d made an irreversible decision to change that destiny my parents had written out for me. But that had meant cutting out everything that was toxic. Sickness, regret and exhaustion over the entire thing swirled in my gut like the ingredients to a perfect storm, pulling everything inside itself, tighter and tighter. I’d never felt more alone in my life than I had