you for her cheating? And called you weak? That’s messed up. I hope you didn’t believe them.”
I took a deep breath and let it go, distantly recalling those days and the wretched aftermath. And the feeling in my body that everything was so heavy that I didn’t want to move, couldn’t get myself out of bed to even do the simplest things. And how that had made me feel even worse.
My voice was hoarse when I spoke again. “It was not a good time.”
Kat took another step toward me, big eyes still rounded with empathy. She reached a hand toward my face, then seemed to think the better of it and slowly let it drop. “It’s the past and you are awesome and should never feel down on yourself for that shit again. You deserve so much better, Lucas.”
Something inside me was moving, changing, melting. The walls I’d built around those deep feelings to keep me safe trembled just slightly. I swallowed. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and pull Kat to me, feel her hug me in return, smell her hair and rub it against my cheek. Bask in the comfort her presence was offering me.
I should tell her to leave. I should push her away. She was standing less than ten feet from my bed and looking that amazing. One whiff of that sweet, warm smell of her hair. All I could think of was how much I wanted her in my bed again with no clothes between us at all. I just wanted to forget…
I wavered, and she took another step toward me. It was like we were connected—like some invisible rope was drawing us together, slowly yet surely tightening the knots.
I blinked, trying to break the spell. “It’s late. We should hit it.”
She bit her lip and nodded slowly. “Okay.” Then blew out a sigh. “But first…” She went up on tip toes and wrapped her arms around my neck, pressing that luscious body to mine in a tight hug, her hair kissing my cheek. The warm smell of salty coconuts. God. “Good night, Lucas. Thanks for everything.”
Our chests rubbed together. Her nipples beading through the light fabric of her t-shirt. Those hard points pressed against my chest made me instantly aroused. Damn it. I pulled away from her.
With a small, self-conscious smile she ducked her head and turned to leave the room. Something inside me half felt like it followed her out. Things were so much easier when we were grousing at each other or finding buttons to push to make the other one annoyed or pissed off. Things were easier when she was at a safe distance.
When I could openly admire, if just to myself, how awesome she was in just about every way, with the barrier of our snarky insults safely erected between us.
But man, those walls, they were coming down. And fast. It didn’t matter how much I reminded myself about everything I’d gone through last time. It wasn’t just Claire’s betrayal, but her dramatic appeal to my family members to take her back. Then the universal pressure and the finger pointing. It was nothing to the he sudden realization that I’d been living some other man’s life for twenty years. That I’d had spent every second of those years trying to please everyone around me, failing and trying even harder.
Only to find that I’d erased myself in the process.
The months of soul-devouring depression, the long hard road to pull myself out of it. The ties I’d had to cut in order to make it happen.
I would never—could never—allow it again. And yes, Kat was not Claire. But… she could hurt me so much worse.
Every day it got harder to resist her. No pun intended. And tonight, that fantasy of the hot gamer girl with a heart of gold made real, the stakes had shot through the roof.
Tactical retreat. That’s what this was. Anything less than distant from Kat was the danger zone.
I prayed she got her green card soon. Because if not, I was either going to end up giving in and going for it with her with all its potential to really screw up our lives.
Or maybe I was just going to fucking lose my mind.
Chapter 18
Katya
The flight to Sacramento—a nearby commercial airport to Napa Valley—was only ninety minutes. Shortly thereafter, we were on the road, driving a rental car for the two-hour trip to the family vineyard. On the way to meet the parents… once again.