at my pictures put this sudden weight in my throat—like I had swallowed a lead ball. I don’t know if I was more worried that she had seen through them, or that she hadn’t.
You look different, I told her.
It’s been four years, she said.
I did the math in my head. I keep meaning to come out to Boston, I said.
She gave me this pitying look and said, I know you’re never coming to Boston.
She said it lightly. But you could tell she meant something more by it. Like I had failed some kind of test, not just now, but over years and years. I should have tried to explain to her—about my memory, about Jake, about all of it—but that would only have made her pitying look brighter, and I was already sweating with shame in its glow.
If I already failed the test, then why did she even come here? To rub it in my face?
NOVEMBER 22 1990
THANKSGIVING DAY
We haven’t had guests in a while, so I didn’t remember how disruptive it is. It turns out we have so many ingrained routines I just forget about, take for granted. With them here we are so much more careful about everything. We tiptoe around our own house. It makes me feel like I am living a different life. Jake is a wonderful host, of course, so friendly, but I know he is fed up. Part of me is desperate for Lynn and Candace to leave, just so we can get it over with, whatever’s coming next.
Thanksgiving dinner was full of food. Candace is a good cook, she and Jake took over the kitchen, and Theo was throwing a tantrum so Lynn and I took him to the beach to get him out of their hair.
A cold day, so no one was out except the surfers. We were sitting on the sand, Theo working on a sandcastle, me and Lynn talking about the people we had known in college and what they were doing now, when Lynn said, At least Richard Rohber finally got what he deserved.
I asked her what that meant, and she said he had a heart attack while he was fucking some undergrad. Last year. You really didn’t know?
I haven’t talked to anyone from Falkman in a while, I said.
Lynn told me about how it was hushed up anyway, but I barely listened. I was thinking about the girl. How she must have felt, thinking she was in control, thinking how close she was to power. His thrusting, and then the sudden spasm, a choking noise, his full weight falling on top of her.
I said, I hope it doesn’t ruin fucking for her.
Lynn was shocked for a minute, then she laughed and said, Sometimes I don’t think you’ve changed at all.
Then she said, You’d tell me, right? If you needed help. If anything was wrong.
I think my heart’s in good condition, I joked.
I mean if you need any help with Jake.
I was speechless for a moment. Jake and I had been so careful, the past few days. I thought we had played our parts. I thought we had tricked Lynn. All this time, she had been able to see down into the heart of me. The truth of the matter, even if she didn’t know exactly what it was. This awful feeling came over me, like a thundercloud in my chest. Terror, shame.
I told her she was out of line. She said she was trying to help.
I said, You have to get over the Jake thing. So what if we didn’t invite you to the wedding? We didn’t invite anyone. We eloped.
This isn’t about that.
Sure it is, I said. You’re taking your jealousy out on me.
My jealousy? she asked.
You always had a crush on me. You wanted me, and you’re jealous of Jake for getting me.
She stared at me. I’ll never forget the way she stared at me. You’ve always been a real bitch, she said. But I never thought you’d be a bitch to me. I’ve never been in love with you. I’ve never even been attracted to you. I’m not some kind of shark circling for scraps. Is that what you think? That I follow you around waiting to make a move?
I said, Well, that’s why we haven’t seen each other in so long, right? You couldn’t handle being close to me.
No, Miranda. We haven’t seen each other because I have to call you ten times for you to call me back once. You disappeared to California.